I think it’s time we talk about why moms really need a raise. I’ve calculated what parents should realistically earn for their work, and let me tell you, it’s far more than the under-$100K figures often tossed around on the Internet since I became a parent.
Sure, professional caregivers do similar tasks as we do at home, but let’s get real. Personal chef? Absolutely. Personal shopper and errand runner? You bet. The staff at my local Target and grocery store practically know my life story at this point.
Now, as for cleaning? I might not be up to par with a hired professional, but I’ve got my husband who turns a blind eye to my cleaning skills out of love. And when it comes to handyman work, let’s just say I’ve learned to steer clear of electrical jobs after a shocking experience. But when it comes to unclogging drains or rescuing toys from the toilet—thanks to my kids—I’m on it, using the internet as my guide.
But that’s not even the half of it. I’m talking about the more specialized tasks that deserve a higher pay grade. I’ve literally been a human toilet more times than I can count. Home healthcare nurses get about $27/hour for handling similar situations. Considering the amount of time I spent dealing with diaper disasters, I could easily rack up about $2,700 a year in “poo-catching” income. Honestly, I think a HazMat suit should come with the job.
Disciplining kids? That’s a full-time gig on its own. I’ve had to be the “bad cop” countless times. Ever tried managing a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old simultaneously? It’s like a punishment factory, and it doesn’t stop as they grow older. Dominatrixes get paid $150-$300/hour for similar work. Why am I not cashing in on this?
Let’s talk about the gross stuff. I mean, I have literally had urine in my eye. You’d pay at least $500 for a professional to deal with mold or water damage in your home, so what’s my eye worth after that experience? Oh, and let’s not forget the times I’ve had to scoop up messy accidents without any protective gear. I have even removed my kids’ bodily fluids from their own faces—a real parenting joy.
I’ve caught vomit in my hands more times than I can count. NYC cab drivers charge a $50 cleanup fee for that kind of mess. My hands are practically vehicles carrying all sorts of bodily fluids—so where’s my compensation?
Bath time is like a dangerous circus act. I could easily justify a salary similar to a Cirque du Soleil performer for ensuring my kids don’t slip and hurt themselves. That’s about $72,000 for 730 baths a year!
I’m a human danger detector, always on the lookout for potential hazards. Professional babyproofers make around $75/hour. If you multiply that by the hours I spend each day keeping my kids safe, it adds up quickly.
And let’s not even get started on the car. If you leave a mess in a rental, expect to pay a hefty cleaning fee. I can’t even keep track of how many times I’ve cleaned up Goldfish crumbs and spilled drinks in mine.
So, when you add it all up, it’s clear that the value of all the services we provide as moms far exceeds the “crumb-coated kisses” we receive in return. Don’t get me wrong; I cherish those moments, but I think it’s time for us to advocate for the specialty work we do.
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In conclusion, it’s high time we recognize the extensive and invaluable work that moms do every day, and perhaps it’s time for a serious raise.