Menu: Parenting
By Jamie Carter
Updated: Feb. 20, 2016
Originally Published: Sep. 27, 2015
When dealing with uncooperative teens, experts suggest adopting a more inventive approach to your follow-up inquiries while ensuring they remain open-ended. Here’s a glimpse of the approach:
Parent: How was your day?
Teen: Boring.
Parent: What part was the most boring?
Teen: It was just boring.
Instead, I propose a different strategy: engage in thorough questioning about every minor detail you’re even slightly aware of. This method might allow you to uncover a few nuggets of information and follow the trail. Consider this real-life example:
Parent: Did you get the audition music from your band teacher?
Teen: I skipped band today.
Parent: Where were you?
Teen: At the Geography Bee.
Parent: Were you excused from band to attend the Geography Bee?
Teen: I was participating in the Geography Bee.
Parent: You were in a Geography Bee today?
Teen: Yes.
Parent: Wow! That’s a surprise! Is there anything else you’d like to share?
Teen: No.
Parent: Can you let me know if you’re selected for any school events in the future?
Teen: I’m in the Spelling Bee next week.
As demonstrated, the key is to keep asking increasingly specific questions. Never let your child leave the conversation until you feel satisfied with their responses. For optimal results, it’s advisable to initiate these discussions in a confined space, such as a car, where they’re strapped in and can’t escape the conversation.
Here’s another example:
Parent: Are you planning to go to Homecoming next week?
Teen: I guess.
Parent: Who are you going with?
Teen: A group of us is talking about it.
Parent: Who’s in this group?
Teen: [names an equal number of boys and girls]
Parent: Are you going with someone specific?
Teen: I guess.
Parent: Do you know who?
Teen: Sort of.
Parent: How do you know this?
Teen: She asked me to go and I said yes.
Through persistent inquiry, I learned the color of the young lady’s dress (purple), her favorite flower (rose), and that my son was indeed expected to coordinate his tie and pocket square (yes and yes). The crucial question, “Am I invited to the house for pictures?” revealed that I was invited to the gathering. No open-ended question would have provided even a hint of this vital information, no matter how patiently I waited. Besides, time is of the essence—basketball practice is looming!
So, is there anything else I should be aware of?
This article originally appeared on The Huffington Post and Ten to Twenty.
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Summary
Engaging with your teenager requires creativity and persistence. Instead of open-ended questions, try specific inquiries to draw out crucial details about their lives. Utilize confined spaces for discussions to ensure their full attention.