Three years ago, without much notice, my eldest daughter transitioned into her tween years. It was as if she quietly crossed the threshold from childhood to the early stages of young adulthood while I was preoccupied—perhaps at the dentist with another child or changing a diaper for my youngest. By the time I realized what was happening, I found myself playing catch-up, devouring books on parenting tween girls, browsing blogs for shared experiences and advice, and seeking insights from friends. The challenge was to devise a parenting approach that resonated with both of us.
The silver lining is that I’ve gleaned several lessons along the way, which I’m eager to share with those venturing into these tween years. Here’s what I’ve discovered about raising a tween girl:
She is her own person.
During my middle school years, I faced teasing and exclusion from girls I once considered friends. Their cruel notes and gossip pierced my heart and made me feel isolated. So, when my daughter shares her own stories of mean girls, it stirs up my past pain. However, it’s crucial to remember that she has her own distinct feelings, reactions, and strengths. My role is to provide her with unconditional love and guidance as she encounters her own challenges.
Be present.
I’m that mom who often finds herself sitting on the edge of my daughter’s bed, asking questions about her day. While she sometimes opens up, it’s not as frequent as before. I’m learning the importance of being available when she’s ready to talk, which might mean pausing my work or allowing her younger sibling some screen time. It’s about creating a balance—giving her space while also signaling my genuine interest in her life.
Establish boundaries.
Living with a tween means I’m constantly faced with requests: “Can I watch that movie?” “Can I change my hair color?” “Can I have a friend over?” It’s tempting to say “yes” to avoid the inevitable backlash from a “no.” While I occasionally give in (go ahead, dye your hair), I realize that she needs boundaries more than ever. These limits provide her with a sense of safety and care, even if she doesn’t appreciate it now. She’ll thank me later.
But also, say yes sometimes.
As my daughter matures, the rules we once followed need to be adjusted. Yes, she can stay up a little later, provided she’s ready for school the next day. Yes, she can enjoy a movie night with friends if her homework is completed. Granting her these privileges comes with the expectation of increased responsibilities, which fosters self-confidence and strengthens our trust.
Acknowledge her emotions.
When I explain why certain rules exist, like not having sleepovers during the week, her initial response may be frustration. I remind myself that her emotions might overwhelm her. Instead of reacting immediately, I try to pause the conversation until we both regain our composure. It’s essential to navigate these discussions with understanding, as her hormones are often in flux.
Express love often.
At this age, she can easily feel overwhelmed by the many changes she’s experiencing—from skin breakouts to outfit crises. Regardless of how she feels about herself or her academic performance, she needs to hear that she is loved. This affirmation can diffuse potential conflicts, such as whether that trendy crop top is appropriate for an outing. Spoiler alert: it’s a no—but I love you.
As I finally feel more equipped to handle the tween years, I’m also facing the reality that my daughter will soon be 13. Am I entirely prepared to parent a teenager? Maybe not, but at least I’m paying attention this time.
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Summary:
Raising a tween girl requires patience, understanding, and the ability to adapt. Establishing boundaries is crucial, but so is allowing flexibility as she matures. It’s important to recognize her individuality and emotional growth while consistently expressing love and support.