Recently, my oldest came home with a math assignment that resembled SAT questions, which got me pondering about these standardized tests. We all know the SATs are pointless and often unnecessary. If students perform well in high school, they’ll likely continue that success in college. Conversely, poor high school grades tend to equate to poor college performance. The aptitude is already apparent.
Instead, I propose we introduce the Parental Aptitude Test (PAT) before our children graduate high school. Forget the outdated practice of having teens carry around a bag of flour or a fake baby that cries. Those silly Dr. Phil scenarios, where couples struggle to install car seats, are simply a waste of time. Here’s a far more effective evaluation of parenting skills, which will accurately gauge one’s ability to raise a child:
- The Diaper Change: This isn’t just about putting a diaper on; it’s about tackling a messy diaper filled with poop. At some point between 15 to 20 months, your child will be determined to get their hands into it. Successfully completing this challenge while avoiding a mess on your hands, your child’s face, and the surrounding area is a true sign of parenting aptitude.
- The Phone Call: Enjoy those peaceful phone conversations while you can. Post-kids, the phone becomes a magical device only they can hear, much like a dog whistle. To pass this section, you need to maintain a conversation while one child clings to your leg, and two others are screaming and brawling in the same room.
- The Awkward Comment: Imagine being in a room with individuals of diverse appearances—someone significantly overweight, another with a missing limb, a woman sporting a mustache, and a little person. If your child manages to remain silent, congratulations, you’re the Best Parent Ever. If not, you must silence them without resorting to duct tape.
- The Deli Challenge: Attempt to order three different items from the deli while wrangling an 18-month-old. You’ll likely get Number 27 while they’re serving Number 19. Once you pick your number, leaving the area becomes impossible. Your child must stay in a cart—preferably one without a steering wheel. If you manage this test without resorting to cheese, you can skip the final challenge.
- The Car Departure: You have ten minutes to get a 2-year-old out the door and into the car. The timer starts when your child is absorbed in watching Sesame Street. They need to be fully dressed, and you must have essential items like diapers, wipes, a change of clothes, a blankie, a sippy cup, two snacks, and three toys ready in the car. As you walk the 50 yards to the car, you must let your child walk independently while navigating distracting puddles and blooming tulips. Once you reach the car, they will insist on climbing in themselves, and inevitably, right after you strap them in, they’ll have a messy diaper requiring immediate attention.
Good luck!
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Summary
The Parental Aptitude Test (PAT) offers a humorous yet accurate measure of parenting skills that every high school student should experience before graduation. By tackling real-life challenges such as diaper changes and managing chaotic situations, teens can better understand the true essence of parenthood.