Updated: April 5, 2017
Originally Published: August 18, 2013
Recently, I found myself in a familiar situation: feeling utterly lost, much like misplacing your car in a crowded parking lot. You’re acutely aware that your vehicle is parked somewhere nearby—after all, you’re standing in the middle of a bustling shopping center, wrestling with kids and a cart brimming with groceries. But until you locate it, the sense of disorientation can make you feel as if you’ve lost not just your car, but also your grip on reality.
A couple of weeks ago, that’s precisely how I felt in my own kitchen: adrift in the tumult of parenting. The thrill of motherhood had drained much of the joy from my life. Overwhelmed with unmet obligations and the stark reminder that I hadn’t scrubbed the bathrooms in over a month, I recalled how my partner had labeled me “grumpy” earlier that day. As I prepared my daughter’s lunch for the following day, I trudged through the motions, each task leading to the next. I felt lost.
With young children—my daughter is three and a half, and my twin boys are just a year—I often find some days to be a relentless grind. The constant crying and whining from the babies, the endless diaper changes, and the repetitive cycle of meal preparation leave me yearning for time. Time to accomplish tasks that don’t revolve around my children. Time to relax. Time with my partner. Time alone. I crave it all.
Parenting requires a profound level of selflessness, yet I often find it makes me selfish too. After a day filled with being talked to, clambered on, and cried upon, I long for a quiet place to hide—somewhere nobody can find me. I don’t want to engage, I don’t want anyone asking for anything, and I certainly don’t want to be touched.
These feelings sometimes spill over onto my friends and partner, while my kids unknowingly bear the brunt of my selfish thoughts. When my boys resist sleep at naptime or bedtime, my mind races with thoughts of, “Just be quiet! Go to sleep already!” And when I’ve had my fill of playing or watching them play, an overwhelming boredom creeps in, and I can’t help but think of all the other things I’d rather be doing.
My children—the three beautiful souls I cherish beyond measure—make my life feel perfect. I wanted them more than anything; yet, there are moments when I crave distance from them. I’m not one to shy away from expressing my emotions, but it’s rare that I reach a point of tears. That night in the kitchen, the tears came. Thankfully, my partner is much better at handling these moments than I am. She listened without trying to fix anything. Instead, we discussed how I could find a better balance between being a work-at-home and stay-at-home mom. She reassured me that this challenging phase won’t last forever and helped me regain faith in myself.
The person I was before motherhood still exists; she’s just harder to access some days. What motivates me are those everyday moments that make parenting enjoyable: a tea party with my daughter, the laughter of my boys, our first family hike. The build-up and aftermath of those experiences can be exhausting and stressful, but it’s during those moments that I feel truly found.
As my children grow, I know that we will be able to do more as a family and rely less on me for their needs. This glimmer of optimism reminds me to take a deep breath. The prospect of reclaiming more time for myself while they become more independent is invigorating. While the potential for feeling lost again looms, I also know that the essence of who I am is still very much present.
If you’re navigating your own path in parenting and looking for resources, check out this excellent guide on fertility. Additionally, if you’re interested in exploring options for family planning, our post about the home insemination kit might be helpful. For culinary inspiration, don’t miss out on this delicious red curry chicken recipe, perfect for busy parents.
Summary:
In the chaos of parenthood, it’s easy to feel lost amidst the demands of young children. The struggle between selflessness and the desire for personal time is a familiar battle for many parents. While moments of overwhelm can lead to feelings of being lost, it’s crucial to reconnect with oneself through meaningful family experiences. Finding balance is possible, and as children grow, opportunities for reclaiming personal time will emerge.