“How do you maintain a strong marriage while raising kids?” A young, married woman without children recently posed this question to me, her curiosity evident.
With a chuckle, I replied, “Well, you start off by keeping score quite a bit.”
This answer likely caught her off guard—not because it’s untrue, but because few are willing to admit it. Conversations about marriage and parenting often involve phrases like “it’s challenging” and “you need to carve out time for each other.” However, how often do we hear someone say, “It’s incredibly tough due to the mental tally sheet we all keep?”
If we’re honest, it’s a reality many couples face. You might monitor who got less sleep, who sacrificed more, who worked harder, or even who cooked dinner more often. You could find yourself counting the hours spent in the pediatrician’s office or the late-night grocery runs for diapers and milk. It might be the number of dirty dishes piled up or socks strewn across the floor. Whatever the specifics are, couples often end up with mental scorecards, and these tally marks can weigh heavily on a marriage.
Admitting to keeping score is uncomfortable, yet it’s a common experience, especially when life throws you curveballs. Whether it’s the arrival of a newborn or a job change, you start tracking who made the last trip to the store when all hell breaks loose.
And if a couple claims they’ve never kept score? They’re either not being truthful or have reached a form of enlightenment that’s admirable from a distance.
The reality is that when parenting gets tough—and it always does—it’s natural to wonder if your partner is facing the same struggles. It’s easy to feel like you’re the one carrying the heaviest burden, whether it’s sleepless nights, stressful workdays, or dealing with tantrums.
It’s normal. Life is challenging. Parenting is hard. Marriage can be difficult. Yet, this doesn’t mean that these aspects of life aren’t also incredibly rewarding.
Sometimes, during the toughest times, you forget that “hard” is a relative term and that life, like parenting, has its seasons. Some periods are overwhelmingly difficult, while others are filled with joy. Being human means you occasionally lose sight of this and fall back into the habit of comparison and scoring.
Eventually, though, those tally marks become too numerous and burdensome. You grow weary, and at that point, you start to remember.
You realize that life is tough, parenting is tough, and marriage is tough—for everyone. You’re reminded that you’re on the same team, that you not only love each other but genuinely enjoy each other’s company. You remember that when you said “I do,” you also meant “I will remember”—even amidst the chaos of dirty laundry and the relentless who-slept-less competition.
I recently asked my partner, “Do you think we still keep score?”
“Absolutely,” he replied, a bit too quickly for comfort.
“Do you think we keep score as much as we used to?”
“Nope,” he said.
Curious, I inquired, “What changed?”
“Countless arguments,” he said, and we shared a laugh.
“We just got too exhausted to keep score anymore, didn’t we?”
“Yep, pretty much.”
Our laughter echoed, and just then, our younger son walked in, asking, “Why are you both smiling?”
“I just really enjoy being around your mom,” my husband replied.
With that exchange in mind, when that young woman sought my advice on nurturing a marriage post-kids, I felt no hesitation in admitting that, yes, we keep score, and yes, it can be challenging. But as long as you remember you’re part of the same team, that the struggle will ease, and that you still genuinely like each other, everything will be alright. In fact, it might end up being more than just alright; it may be truly amazing.
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Summary
Marriage, particularly in the context of parenting, often involves an unspoken bookkeeping of sacrifices and efforts. While it’s common to keep track of who does what, it’s essential to remember that everyone struggles and that love and companionship can prevail over the tally marks. Ultimately, a strong marriage thrives on teamwork and mutual appreciation, even amidst the chaos of family life.