Sep. 5, 2023
As parents, we aspire to cultivate well-mannered, kind individuals who contribute positively to society. Many of us begin the journey by teaching our little ones to utter “please” and “thank you” before they can even string together full sentences. I recall my own experiences, handing a snack to my child and prompting with, “What do you say?” When they would occasionally respond with a genuine “thank you,” I felt a surge of pride.
However, teaching children these polite phrases doesn’t necessarily instill a genuine sense of gratitude. These responses can become mere habits, devoid of real understanding. The reality is that expecting a young child to be grateful is like hoping to encounter a unicorn—an elusive fantasy. And believe me, unicorn parents are often the most insufferable, so take comfort in knowing your seemingly ungrateful child is perfectly normal.
It’s completely expected for children to be self-centered. Their world is a universe of their own wants and needs, and no amount of explaining or forced altruism is going to shift their perspective just yet. Their brains are simply not wired for that kind of empathy at such a young age. Rest assured, most children eventually develop gratitude and a sense of community as they grow, so try not to panic.
It can be mortifying when your child throws a tantrum over not getting that shiny new toy or candy bar at the store. But remember, this behavior doesn’t reflect poorly on your parenting skills, despite what some keyboard warriors might say in the comments section.
I once made the mistake of trying to guilt my then-3-year-old, Max, into sharing his toys by explaining how lucky he was compared to kids who had none. I thought I could appeal to his kind nature while simultaneously decluttering our home. Instead of donating toys, he sobbed at the thought of less fortunate kids and insisted we go buy them toys—while also asking for one for himself.
Any effort to teach your child gratitude at such a young age may either go unheard or completely backfire. Imagine trying to teach them a lesson by returning their gifts or canceling Christmas. While it might save you some cash, the holiday season would likely turn into a miserable experience for everyone involved. They might learn “Don’t mess with Mom in December,” but true lessons of gratitude? Unlikely.
Even if you hope that community service will instill some sense of generosity, they may just end up being more of a hindrance than a help. It’s not that trying to teach your kids about giving back is bad—far from it. However, forcing them into situations where they feel obligated to give may not foster the goodwill and empathy you intend.
As they grow older, they may become more capable of understanding empathy. Encouraging them to set aside a portion of their allowance for charity can be a great starting point. But let’s be honest: if they’re still struggling with basic empathy while you’re discussing college, it might just be part of their nature. Sorry, not sorry.
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In conclusion, an ungrateful child is not a reflection of your parenting skills but rather a part of their developmental process. As they mature, they will likely develop a sense of gratitude and empathy. Remember, the journey of parenthood is filled with ups and downs, and you’re not alone in this experience.