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Your Miscarriage Is Not Your Fault
Just shy of three months into my pregnancy, I experienced heavy bleeding and ultimately miscarried. It happened the day before my scheduled 12-week ultrasound, the moment we typically consider the green light to share our joyful news with friends and family. The day before. At that moment, I couldn’t help but feel that nature could be exceptionally harsh.
This was my third pregnancy loss in four years. The first was early, occurring when I was just six weeks along. If I hadn’t known I was pregnant, I might have dismissed it as a heavy period. But because I did know, it was a painful and heartbreaking experience. I confided in only a few people, convinced that my lifestyle choices—staying up late, working on my feet, and the occasional cigarette—were to blame. The thoughts spiraled in my mind: You’re not taking care of yourself! You’re too stressed! I felt utterly crushed.
The second loss was an ectopic pregnancy. I faced a difficult choice: wait to see if the pregnancy would progress or risk a ruptured uterus. I opted for the wait, only to learn it wasn’t viable. I found myself in a cab heading to the hospital for an injection of methotrexate, a medication typically used for cancer, which also halts the growth of embryos. Once again, I felt responsible for the loss.
Then came that devastating 12-week miscarriage. I was terrified as I saw an alarming amount of blood. In the ER, as my partner helped me change out of my blood-soaked clothes, I feared for my life. When the nurse arrived and saw my panic, she reassured me, “Don’t worry, honey. This is totally normal. This is what happens.”
Miscarriage affects nearly one in five pregnancies, yet those of us who have faced this heartache often grapple with feelings of shame. Many of us seek someone to blame, and unfortunately, we often turn that blame inward. After I began to share my experiences, I discovered that I wasn’t alone in feeling a sense of failure after each loss. A recent study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology highlights widespread misconceptions about miscarriage, which can exacerbate feelings of guilt and shame.
The study revealed that nearly half of the 1,084 respondents who had experienced a miscarriage felt guilty, and over a quarter felt ashamed. While 15 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, many respondents believed the rate was much lower, around five percent. This misconception likely stems from societal pressures to keep pregnancies under wraps until the 12-week mark, after which the risk of miscarriage diminishes. In trying to avoid the discomfort of discussing pregnancy loss, we often isolate ourselves and contribute to the stigma.
Dr. James Porter, who leads a program on early and recurrent pregnancy loss, noted in The Guardian, “The results of our survey indicate that many people have misconceptions about the prevalence and causes of miscarriage. Since it is a common occurrence rarely discussed, many individuals feel isolated after experiencing a loss. We need better education to reduce the associated stigma and shame.”
Not only do we misunderstand how common miscarriages are, but we also unjustly blame ourselves. In truth, chromosomal abnormalities account for 60% of miscarriages; in these cases, there is typically nothing one could have done to alter the outcome. Other factors, such as an incompetent cervix or uterine abnormalities, can also contribute, but many of us mistakenly believe that stress or physical exertion plays a significant role.
The more we share our stories, the less taboo this subject becomes, and the better informed we all will be regarding the realities of miscarriage. If you’ve participated in pregnancy forums, you may have noticed how women discussing miscarriage often feel ostracized, as though their experience is contagious. Some even feel the need to issue “Trigger Warnings,” as if sharing their story could somehow bring bad luck to another.
On one hand, there’s the belief that anyone can conceive, minimizing the complexities of motherhood. On the other hand, society often overlooks the mourning process after a miscarriage, expecting women to simply move on as if it were any other disappointment. Rarely does anyone consider the emotional connection formed during pregnancy or the dreams that were built around that child. When a pregnancy ends, those hopes vanish, leaving an ache that is often unacknowledged.
Women often remain silent about their losses, feeling isolated and in pain. It’s crucial to recognize the depth of what we’ve lost and to seek understanding and support.
Hopefully, this new research will resonate with those carrying the burden of blame for their miscarriages. Women already endure enough challenges; we don’t need to add guilt to the list.
If you are experiencing a miscarriage, reach out to someone. Talk about your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve. Remember, it’s not your fault. For valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination, check out the CDC’s excellent resource here.