Recently, I attended a community gathering that provided name tags to help attendees connect. I wrote my name (Jamie) and included my gender neutral pronouns (they/them). This is a way for me to express that my name and appearance do not define my gender identity. As a nonbinary individual, I don’t identify strictly as male or female; my identity can fluctuate between both or neither, depending on the day. I also share my pronouns to encourage others to express their identities and to remind everyone that I won’t assume their pronouns if they don’t share them.
As the event progressed, I noticed that no one else included their pronouns on their name tags, which left me feeling somewhat isolated. It can be exhausting to navigate a world that often fails to support those of us who are genderqueer, gender fluid, or nonbinary. Acknowledging that gender is not limited to male or female and recognizing the existence of diverse pronouns, including options beyond he/him and she/her, would be a significant step forward.
Some of you may already be familiar with these concepts. Others are likely still learning and trying to adapt to what can feel like new terminology. However, the understanding of gender as a spectrum and the use of gender neutral pronouns are not new ideas. Just because something is unfamiliar to you doesn’t negate its existence. For instance, I recently discovered that Karamo Brown from Queer Eye was part of the 15th season of Real World. My lack of prior knowledge does not diminish his experience, just as your unfamiliarity with gender neutral pronouns doesn’t lessen my validity or your capacity to learn.
Let’s dive into this together.
While I personally use they/them pronouns, there are many other gender neutral pronouns in circulation, such as ze/hir, xe/xem, and ze/zir. The crucial takeaway is to respect whatever pronoun someone requests. Assuming someone’s pronouns based on your perceptions is both disrespectful and harmful. It may be easier for you to stick to your comfort zone, but doing so can signal a lack of care for others’ identities. When you inform me of your name and pronouns, I make an effort to use them consistently. Please extend that same courtesy to me.
Numerous resources are available to help you understand and use gender neutral language properly. Institutions such as the Associated Press, the Chicago Manual of Style, and the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee’s LGBTQ Center provide valuable guidance. While you may not have time to explore all these resources now, it’s wise to bookmark them for future reference. Let’s discuss how to effectively use gender neutral pronouns. I will demonstrate using they/them and ze/hir as examples, but remember these are just two of many options.
If you can’t put your pronouns on a name tag, you can still communicate them verbally. It’s perfectly fine to feel a bit awkward about this—just like we felt learning to cook or do laundry for the first time. We must normalize the practice of using proper pronouns, just as we expect polite manners like “please” and “thank you.” Here are some scenarios to help you:
Meeting Someone New
“Hi, I’m [insert name]. I use they/them pronouns. What about you?”
“Hi, I’m [insert name]. I use he/him pronouns. This is my friend [insert name]. They use they/them pronouns. How should we address you?”
Referring to Someone
Using someone’s correct pronouns even when they’re not present is a strong sign of friendship and allyship.
“My friend [insert name] made this delicious soup; they are an amazing cook.”
“[Insert name] can’t join us tonight. Hir mom needs help understanding online banking.”
“Nope, that water bottle isn’t mine; it’s hirs.”
“I don’t know how [insert name] manages everything. They really need to take a break!”
“I was going to text ze but got distracted by cat videos.”
Correcting Someone
One of the most supportive actions you can take is to correct someone who misgenders a friend or colleague, whether intentionally or not. This alleviates the burden from us to constantly educate and reminds others that respect is essential.
Bob: “[Insert name] will meet us at the theater. She is picking up [insert name] on the way.”
Tom: “[Insert name] uses they/them pronouns, remember? They are picking up [insert name] on their way.”
Bob: “Right! Thanks for the reminder.”
Correcting Yourself
Mistakes happen, and you will occasionally slip up. What matters is how you handle those moments. Correct yourself and move forward without making the person you misgendered feel uncomfortable. Acknowledge your mistake and strive to do better next time. If someone points out your error, thank them.
Karen: “I can’t wait to see [insert name]! I haven’t seen him—hir—in so long.”
Jill: “This is [insert name]. It is her—sorry, their—first time at hot yoga.”
Though it may feel like you’re learning a new language, remember that you’re merely adapting to existing language that has often been overlooked. Your discomfort pales in comparison to what many of us experience daily, yet your efforts as an ally can create immeasurable comfort for those of us who identify as nonbinary.
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In summary, using gender neutral pronouns is an essential skill for fostering inclusivity. By actively engaging with these practices, you contribute to a more respectful and understanding environment for everyone.