Parenting represents a significant milestone in the journey toward gender equality. Many women I know, who have enjoyed the privilege of choice throughout their lives, encounter challenges to their feminist ideals when they welcome children into their world. If you’re like me and derive a strong sense of identity and fulfillment from your career, the shift to being a stay-at-home mom can be particularly challenging. After my second child was born, I made the decision to stay home, optimistic about embracing motherhood wholeheartedly. However, the reality was quite different.
The most daunting aspect of this transition for me was grappling with the new levels of dependence and interdependence that came with it. I had become adept at managing my own life independently, only to find myself reliant on others for income, quiet moments, rest, and even the luxury of sitting down to eat. I felt, and I admit, quite vulnerable and overwhelmed. In moments of doubt, I pondered, what would Audre Lorde do?
A year later, I want to share the insights I’ve gained for those considering this demanding yet rewarding role.
1. Release the Labels—For Yourself
You are not a “perfect” or “imperfect” mom. You are not defined by being a “natural” or a “failure.” Like everyone else, you are a multifaceted individual with your own strengths and challenges. I excel at emotional support but struggle with arts and crafts. I appreciate a structured schedule but value unstructured playtime. I dislike being cooped up indoors for too long, so I make it a point to get out every day. I am a staunch advocate for sleep training. These aspects reflect my identity as a mother. Much like our gender identities, we must approach our parenting styles with nuance and without judgment.
2. Embrace the Struggle
Let’s be honest: motherhood is rife with inequities. From systemic issues like the high cost of childcare and insufficient parental leave to daily challenges such as breastfeeding, sleepless nights, and career interruptions, these burdens are often unevenly distributed. On good days, I remind myself that these challenges also come with privileges. I get to experience countless joyful moments and witness my children’s milestones firsthand. Yet, it can be tough to maintain gratitude when exhaustion sets in and everything feels overwhelming. It’s okay to acknowledge your struggles. You aren’t required to love every aspect of parenting. Use that frustration as a catalyst for change—whether that means advocating for better conditions or delving into the deeper questions of purpose and meaning. These struggles are integral to the feminist movement and are part of the journey.
3. Follow Your Own Path, Like You Used To
The plethora of parenting blogs, podcasts, and books exists because no one has all the answers. We are all navigating the complexities of parenting while incorporating our feminist beliefs. One of the advantages of discarding outdated gender norms is the freedom to establish new values and choices for ourselves. Trust your instincts; if something feels right for you, embrace it. My second child has shown me that the strategies I thought I had mastered with my first were often misguided! No one has it all figured out.
4. Just Hand Him the Baby…
This advice is particularly relevant for those with male partners. If that doesn’t apply to you, I recognize your experiences may differ, and I don’t presume to speak for you. It’s often easier to feel like equals in the workplace than in our homes. The differences in socialization become glaringly evident once children arrive. Research indicates that couples with more traditional gender roles often report greater marital satisfaction. This could be because, without established norms, expectations can diverge significantly.
When the baby cries, your instinct might be to rush to attend to them. Your partner, however, might assume you’ll handle it unless asked. It’s easy to fall into the trap of frustration. Instead of engaging in a debate about who’s more exhausted (we know you are!), try to teach your partner how to support you. For instance, after a sleepless night, I once tossed the baby to my husband and declared I needed rest, stepping away for some quiet time. It was shocking to find he appreciated the nudge. He truly wants to help; he just might need guidance on how.
As bell hooks once said, “In the future feminist movement, we must work harder to illustrate how eliminating sexism can positively influence family dynamics.” We are fortunate to live in a time where we can redefine our experiences of motherhood. We can inspire our families to cultivate love while critically reflecting on our roles. We can look into our partners’ and children’s eyes and recognize their unique individuality while sharing our own.
For more insights into the journey of parenthood, check out our post on artificial insemination kits that can guide you through various paths to motherhood. Also, for expert advice on pregnancy, visit the Fertility Center for invaluable resources.
In summary, navigating the complexities of stay-at-home parenting requires self-reflection, patience, and the courage to challenge traditional norms. Embrace your unique journey, lean into the struggles, and communicate your needs effectively. Your experience as a mother is valid and important, and you have the power to carve out a fulfilling role for yourself and your family.