I recently found myself at a colleague’s gathering, hosted by a man named Greg. Having worked together for a couple of years, I knew he was significantly older than me, with a teenage son while my own eldest was just 9. Much of our conversations had been filled with complaints about our boys—how they seemed more interested in gaming than contributing to household chores. Greg often shared insights into how he wished he could have guided his son better at my child’s age.
As the evening unfolded in Greg’s backyard, surrounded by a few other colleagues, I observed his son engaging with everyone. A lanky 15-year-old with dark hair and glasses, he stumbled through awkward jokes, trying to find his place among the adults. Yet, despite his teenage quirks, he showcased a level of kindness and respect that was commendable. He even took the time to entertain my son with games and introduced my middle daughter to their adorable dog, ensuring my rambunctious toddler stayed out of the garden.
After a while, I turned to Greg and remarked, “Your son is not nearly as troublesome as you make him out to be.” He chuckled, slightly tipsy, and replied, “You’re right. He’s a good kid.” It seemed that my acknowledgment sparked a sense of pride in him, as if it took an outsider to highlight his son’s admirable behavior for Greg to fully appreciate it.
As our conversation shifted to the positive traits of his son, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own children. I realized I often focus on their shortcomings rather than celebrating their achievements. Sure, I vent about the struggles of parenting—late nights, early mornings, and the never-ending battles over food choices. I find it cathartic to express my frustrations about budgeting, bath time, and other trials of family life. Yet, I recognize that I may be overly critical, particularly of my eldest son, Oliver.
I often grumble about Oliver’s reluctance to rise in the morning, his aversion to anything other than mac and cheese, and the daily struggle to pry him away from his tablet. However, when I take a moment to reflect, I see that, overall, he is a pretty great kid. He doesn’t use foul language, manages to complete his homework—even if begrudgingly—enjoys reading and soccer, and has never caused trouble at school. He earns good grades, chooses his friends wisely, and is respectful. Most of the challenges I face with him are typical hurdles of motivation and growth for his age.
This is the paradox of parenting; despite spending quality time with Oliver, my desire for him to become an exceptional adult often leads me to scrutinize his every action. I want him to grow up to be responsible, respectful, and kind—a better version of myself. Yet, in striving for this, I may overlook the fact that he’s already doing quite well. Recognizing his strengths could help foster a more positive relationship between us.
As I prepared to leave Greg’s home, I noticed his son picking up the toys that my children had left scattered. Meanwhile, Oliver sat on the couch, looking down, likely hoping I wouldn’t ask him to help. I turned to Greg’s son and said, “I told Greg you’re not as challenging as he thinks, and he agreed. But don’t let it go to your head.” The young man blushed and laughed. I then looked at Oliver and said, “Are you going to help out?” He rolled his eyes but eventually slid off the couch to assist.
As we tidied up, I told Oliver, “You know, you’re a really good kid. I should give you more credit.” His face lit up with a smile, and we high-fived as we worked together. In that moment, I recognized the importance of offering simple praise more often. I realized that all parents, including myself, could benefit from being more supportive and less critical. Acknowledging the good in our children is essential as they navigate their path to adulthood.
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In summary, it’s essential for parents to recognize and celebrate their children’s good behaviors rather than solely focusing on their flaws. A little praise can go a long way in nurturing their growth and self-esteem.