It’s been noticeable that some of your Black friends have become less vocal on social media. You might find that text conversations have dwindled as well. If you’re grappling with feelings of guilt or confusion, that’s understandable. However, right now, it’s crucial to remember: this moment isn’t about you. The resurgence of the Black Lives Matter movement is focused on justice, awareness, and the urgent need for change. Activism is not just challenging; it’s emotionally taxing and relentless. Your Black friends might just be worn out, and they shouldn’t have to expend their energy on your feelings.
This may come across as blunt, but it’s important to understand. People like myself, who are white, have been conditioned to expect validation and support from others. Even when we should be focusing on those who are directly affected, our ingrained privilege often leads us to turn the spotlight on ourselves—our emotions, our experiences, our interpretations. While some might not do this intentionally, it’s a reflex that many of us have been taught from a young age. Yet, just because your instincts urge you to focus on yourself doesn’t mean you need to act on it.
In recent weeks, as reports of brutal acts against individuals like Jamal and Keisha flooded our newsfeeds, my family reached out to our Black friends. We also discussed these issues at home with our children. The common sentiment we heard was exhaustion. They expressed not just fatigue, but pure exhaustion. They also conveyed a sense of hurt when their white friends chose silence over checking in. As the saying goes, silence can be violence.
The lack of empathy from some white friends and family is disheartening. It’s heartbreaking to witness ignorance manifest as comments about “all lives matter” or minimizing the issue with “only a few bad apples” in law enforcement. When white individuals echo hateful rhetoric or make attempts at neutrality without understanding the impact, it adds to the ongoing struggle Black individuals face every day. Unlike many white people, who can turn off their newsfeeds and take a break from the harsh realities, Black people cannot escape their lived experiences of racism, regardless of the situation they find themselves in.
Some white individuals respond to the Black Lives Matter movement by quoting Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in a way that suggests everyone should just get along. This interpretation often implies that Black voices should quiet down in the name of unity, which is not the answer. True harmony will not arise from ignoring the uncomfortable truths of racism. We have a long way to go before we can genuinely claim that there is “liberty and justice for all.”
Moreover, many Black individuals feel burdened when white friends ask them to educate them about racism. While it’s important to listen and offer empathy, expecting Black friends to be the educators on race issues is unfair. There are countless resources available—books, podcasts, documentaries—that can help white individuals learn without placing the responsibility on their Black peers. Using their pain for your gain is not friendship.
Several of our Black acquaintances have taken breaks from social media to protect their mental health. They often feel the sting of silence from white “friends” who don’t reach out. They see the news, and they live in a society that has historically devalued their existence. Their culture is both appropriated and criticized.
If you feel distanced from your Black friends, consider transforming your feelings into actions. Engage in self-education through the wealth of anti-racism literature available. Simply sending a message saying, “I’m here for you, and I’m listening,” can mean a lot. Don’t expect them to cater to your discomfort—that’s not their role. True friendship involves supporting one another in difficult times.
Remember, it’s essential to reflect on how you can contribute to change, both personally and within your family. Don’t claim to love everyone if you’re not willing to confront your own biases. Avoid turning your Black friends into tokens in discussions about race. If you’re blind to your role in perpetuating systemic racism, you’re not being a true ally, nor are you helping to dismantle the structures of oppression. Your friends need your support—not another source of emotional drain. There’s no time like the present to start making a difference.
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In summary, it’s vital for white individuals to understand the impact of their actions and words during this critical time. Centering oneself only serves to perpetuate the exhaustion felt by Black friends. Instead, focus on educating oneself and supporting those around you.