Every day, I remind myself that today is a fresh start. A day when I can finally tackle the ever-growing list of unwritten articles due to various publications. A day when I won’t react emotionally to headlines or to a company owned by white individuals profiting from Asian culture while remaining silent about the ongoing violence against Asians — especially after the tragedy in Atlanta.
Maybe today will be the day I can avoid the surge of panic, grief, and anger that makes me shut down my social media — even group chats — due to another tragic story of anti-Asian hatred or misogyny shared by well-meaning friends trying to keep us in the loop. I would like to kindly ask to not be informed anymore; I am not okay.
Appreciating the Support
I am thankful for my friends who have reached out, especially the wonderful women of color in my life. They’ve been checking in, particularly in the aftermath of the Atlanta shootings. Their support has been ongoing since the first signs of anti-Asian bias emerged at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.
When they ask how they can help or provide support, I often struggle to find the right words. I have no idea what to say. I don’t need financial assistance. I have no products to sell. I’m surrounded by a supportive network of friends.
In a sense, I am okay. As a friend once put it, “I am not in any imminent danger.” But sometimes, it feels like I’m on the brink of danger. It feels like this country wants to endanger not just me, but also my mother, my children, and other individuals from marginalized communities. Sometimes, that danger is all too real, and we often don’t recognize it until it’s too late.
The Weight of Anger and Frustration
I find it difficult to articulate my feelings to my friends because their support feels inadequate. This is not something that can be resolved quickly. While I appreciate their concern, it feels like putting a Band-Aid on a deep wound.
How could I possibly say, in all seriousness, that everything should just burn down? That true safety for those of us on the fringes won’t exist until we dismantle systemic white supremacy and patriarchal structures? Who can achieve that in just a day or even a year? If it were that simple, wouldn’t it have been done by now?
It’s tough to provide resources when people ask where they can learn more about anti-Asian hate or Asian American history. These inquiries are valid, but I feel a responsibility to offer articles and resources since I have platforms that others may not. But I’m exhausted. I’m so incredibly tired.
I fear that the forces of white patriarchy want to crush me more than I can fight against. Their hatred seems more potent than my love, as they are willing to do whatever it takes to subdue me — while I hesitate to embrace my darker instincts.
The Burden of Humanity
The difficulty in explaining how to assist lies not only in the systemic nature of the issue but also in my exhaustion from having to justify my humanity. My fellow Asian women and those who present as female, including my precious nine-year-old daughter — we are often viewed as disposable. We live in fear when we should feel safe. We are blamed, exoticized, fetishized, and our existence is often disregarded.
I am not okay. I feel like a shattered window, waiting for that final push to collapse. I am angry, sad, and afraid. I am human. And I refuse to apologize for that.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the emotional turmoil faced by individuals in the Asian community amid rising anti-Asian sentiment, especially after tragic events. Despite the support from friends, the struggle against systemic racism and fear for safety persists, leaving many feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. The writer expresses a deep desire for genuine understanding and actionable change rather than just superficial support.