A few weeks back, after a significant snowstorm, I was escorting my son to preschool. Snowdrifts were still towering around us, and my son was joyfully diving into every mound of snow along our path. As we neared the school, another parent glanced at my son, completely covered in snow, as he leaped off a small snow hill by the entrance.
“Boys will be boys, right?” the parent remarked.
“Um…yeah,” I chuckled, helping my son to his feet, brushing off the snow, and moving into the school.
While I laughed outwardly, internally, I was cringing. The phrase “Boys will be boys” irks me deeply, especially when it’s aimed at my sons.
I understand that the parent didn’t mean any offense. He observed my son acting exuberantly, and perhaps he thought my son’s antics were charming. By saying, “Boys will be boys,” he was likely commenting on how typical and natural it was for him to revel in a playful romp in the snow.
And I agree, it is entirely natural. However, that’s not solely because he’s a boy.
This parent probably didn’t consider the gender biases tied to the phrase “Boys will be boys,” which assumes certain behaviors are inherently male, and often serves to excuse problematic actions from boys and men.
While I’m aware of these issues and can analyze them critically, my concern is for my son.
For the first few years of his life, I made a conscious effort to shield him from gender stereotypes. I anticipated he would encounter them eventually, but I wanted him to have a few years to explore life freely, to discover his interests and identity without the confines of gender roles.
I never conveyed that specific activities or interests were designated for boys or girls. When he admired a princess tiara at a store, I bought it for him without hesitation. He amassed a collection of pink princess toothbrushes, and when he found a Barbie at his cousin’s house, I encouraged him to take it home without question.
Most of his interests leaned towards what society typically considers boyish—trucks, trains, superheroes—but I strived to ensure those interests were dictated by him alone.
I recognized the day would come when he would learn that many people view these things differently. A few months into preschool, while reading a princess book he selected from the library, he remarked, “Mommy, did you know that princesses are for girls?”
“Many people think that’s true, but it’s just a notion people have created. The reality is, you can adore princesses whether you’re a boy or a girl,” I replied.
He accepted that.
However, several weeks later, while coloring, he suddenly suggested I throw away all the pink markers.
“Why?” I asked.
“Pink is only for girls,” he stated.
Taking a deep breath, I explained that while many people believe that, it isn’t accurate; pink is simply a color that anyone can enjoy. I kept my explanation straightforward, and he seemed to understand, but I sensed a hint of skepticism lingering.
This is why I was unhappy that he had to hear that parent say, “Boys will be boys,” regarding his behavior in the snow. I recognize it’s just an expression—just words—but kids listen closely. They absorb everything around them.
We cannot completely shield our children from the deeply ingrained gender stereotypes in our culture. Even the most progressive families will falter at times. Yet, it’s our responsibility to choose our words wisely and consider what kind of world we wish to present to our children—the messages we want them to take to heart.
As the mother of two boys, I feel it’s essential to teach them that while boys can be wild and adventurous, they can also be gentle and sensitive. They can be strong and proactive while also expressing their emotions and crying when necessary. It’s crucial for them to understand that being male should never justify unkindness or dominance over anyone.
I aspire to raise men who will respect women, each other, and everyone they encounter. However, I can’t do it alone—I need support from those around me.
So, I urge you to think before using phrases like “Boys will be boys” or “Man up.” Please join me in sending the message to my sons, and all boys, that they are more than the gender they were assigned at birth—that they can grow up to be anyone or anything they wish to be.
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In summary, as parents, we must be vigilant about the language we use around our children, recognizing how deeply societal norms around gender can impact their self-perception and understanding of the world. By fostering an environment where they feel free to express themselves beyond traditional gender roles, we can help shape a more inclusive future.