My partner and I are both determined individuals, often finding ourselves at odds. While we share core values, the daily intricacies of life can lead to disagreements—whether it’s concerning finances, family gatherings, carving out personal time, or the clutter left in shared spaces like shoes in the hallway and hair in the shower drain.
Arguing isn’t the highlight of our relationship, but it’s an integral aspect of it. Disagreements provide an opportunity to understand each other’s perspectives and express feelings that might otherwise remain unspoken. As long as the disputes remain respectful, I believe that arguing—and reconciling—can be constructive.
Yes, I support the idea that marital conflicts can be healthy. The real challenge arises when these disputes occur in front of our children. Anyone claiming they “never” argue in front of their kids is likely not being entirely truthful.
I’m aware of the research that suggests witnessing parental conflict can have negative impacts on children, including increased chances of depression, anxiety, and aggression. This knowledge weighs heavily on my heart.
We certainly don’t intend to argue while our children wander through the kitchen in search of breakfast. Yet, emotions sometimes take over, and we forget the little ears that are listening. We don’t wish to burden our kids with stress, but like all humans, we make mistakes.
Our daughters, aged 14, 12, and 5, are vocal about how they feel when we argue. They express their discomfort, saying it makes them sad or irritable. Their feedback serves as a reminder of our responsibilities—not to suppress our emotions, but to demonstrate how to handle disagreements constructively, find common ground, and reconcile. While it may not be ideal, arguing in front of them keeps us accountable to one another and to them.
While it’s unpleasant to fight in front of our kids, it’s equally unhealthy to give them the impression that a perfect marriage exists without conflict. We don’t want to model a façade of indifference or teach them to suppress their feelings or needs.
We want our children to learn how to voice their opinions, listen to others’ viewpoints—even when frustrating—exercise empathy, and avoid hurtful language. Most importantly, we aim for them to witness how we navigate our differences, equipping them with the tools to do the same.
I recognize that while this plan sounds idealistic, it’s challenging to implement during heated moments. I also understand that framing conflicts as teachable moments doesn’t excuse arguing in front of our kids. The sight of our children’s worried faces during a disagreement is heartbreaking.
However, pretending that we never clash isn’t the truth, and I don’t want to raise children who believe love equates to constant agreement or that avoiding conflict means ignoring their own feelings. Our kids deserve relationships where they feel secure enough to express their discontent, even if it leads to disagreements.
That’s why when we do find ourselves in a spat, we always check in with our girls afterward. We explain that adults in loving relationships sometimes argue, that our disputes aren’t about them, and we apologize if we caused them worry. Then, in an attempt to lighten the mood, my partner might shower me with affectionate kisses, much to the embarrassment of our older daughters, while our youngest eagerly rushes in to join the fun.
Disagreements are a part of life. What matters most is how we navigate those conflicts and resolve them, both for our marriage and our children.
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Summary: In our family, my partner and I occasionally argue in front of our children. While we recognize that this can affect them, we believe it’s important to model healthy conflict resolution. Our goal is to teach our kids how to express themselves, understand different perspectives, and navigate disagreements constructively. By addressing our disputes openly and reassuring our children, we aim to foster an environment where they feel safe to express their feelings.