Domestic violence manifests in various ways, including emotional manipulation and financial abuse. Have you ever felt the need to justify every purchase to your partner? Perhaps you bought your favorite snack at the grocery store, only to ensure it was gone by the time you got home? Because if they discovered you spent even $2.99 on yourself, it could unleash a storm of accusations.
“Why are you so selfish? Don’t you care about anyone but yourself? Is your desire for things more important than our children?” Even if it was the first few dollars you had spent on yourself in months, even if you earned that money, they conveniently forget that. This is a glimpse into what financial abuse looks like, yet it remains a largely unspoken issue.
Sadly, many only recognize it after escaping such a situation. I know this firsthand. I was young and unaware. The truth is, financial abuse is present in 99% of domestic abuse cases. It occurs when one partner wields financial control to create a power imbalance, often using fear to keep the other person submissive.
In my experience, my parents and grandparents managed joint finances; it seemed natural for married couples to do the same—what’s mine is ours until it wasn’t. For the first time, I found myself without control over my finances.
After getting married, my paycheck would quickly vanish, leaving just enough for groceries—specified to a strict amount, not a cent more. I would nervously calculate costs in the supermarket, holding my breath as the cashier scanned my items. The fear of having my card declined was paralyzing.
But financial abuse extends beyond mere control of funds. It also prevents victims from achieving financial independence necessary to leave. In my case, my partner couldn’t entirely block my employment, but their interference made it challenging to perform well.
My direct deposit always went into a joint account. My partner expected me to print my pay stubs and hand them over, claiming it was for tax purposes. I meticulously altered my stubs to reflect the deposits but secretly stashed money away for my escape. Each pay period filled me with dread at the thought of being discovered and facing the consequences.
Although my efforts may seem extreme, it’s essential to recognize that my ability to do this came from my privilege. I had a job that allowed me to open a no-fee bank account and access to edit pay stubs. I always had the right to withdraw funds from our account, but in an abusive relationship, fear distorts your understanding of your rights.
Monitoring spending, sabotaging employment, and restricting access to earned money are all signs of financial abuse. Abusers instill fear that blurs the lines between what you are told you can do and what you’re legally entitled to.
If you find yourself in a relationship where your partner uses finances to control you, know that this is abuse. While physical abuse may be more apparent, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse are often more insidious.
When you confide in others, their response may be, “Why don’t you just leave?” But the reality is far more complex. For me, it took over a decade to find a safe way to leave.
To anyone who resonates with my story, we see you. You’re not alone, and you deserve love, respect, and care. Remember, it can and will improve.
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Summary:
Financial abuse is a critical yet often overlooked aspect of domestic violence, involving control over finances to establish power dynamics in relationships. Victims may feel compelled to justify their spending or find their financial independence sabotaged. This article sheds light on the complexities of financial abuse, emphasizing the need for awareness and support for those affected.