After dating my partner for a few months, we went out for dinner with one of his friends. As soon as we arrived, he ordered two diet sodas, and his friend teased, “Oh, looks like you’ve swapped the hard stuff for soda now!”
Actually, I didn’t push him to make any changes at all. Before we met, he often drank quite a bit. I made it clear that occasional outings were perfectly fine, but with my commitments at home, drinking heavily wasn’t appealing to me. Ultimately, the decision was his; he found he preferred diet soda and enjoyed spending time with me rather than hitting the bars with his single friends.
Then came a comment about his jeans, “I see Jessica’s got you in those skinny jeans,” one friend joked. Again, I didn’t dictate his fashion choices. We shopped together, he tried on various styles, and I simply offered my opinion. But in the end, I emphasized that he had to feel good in whatever he wore.
Some of his friends assumed I had him “whipped” just because he switched to soda and a different style of jeans.
I’ve witnessed this kind of judgment numerous times. My close friend married someone who struggled with alcohol, but it wasn’t until after they tied the knot that she realized this was more than just a college phase. Upon issuing an ultimatum, he quit drinking entirely. His friends and family labeled her controlling, claiming she changed him for the worse. Yet, in reality, she was looking out for both his health and their family.
Similarly, when my sister married her partner from a strict upbringing, he gradually adopted a lifestyle closer to hers. He began to question his beliefs and realized the emotional repression he experienced in his childhood affected his mental health. His family disapproved, claiming she was too demanding, when she was merely encouraging him to live authentically.
Recently, when the story of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry surfaced, many accused her of being manipulative and controlling, suggesting she pushed him away from his family. But in my view, this reflects the essence of a solid partnership. It’s about two individuals making decisions that enhance their mental well-being together.
Women often face blame when they seek change; they are viewed as controlling rather than protective of their loved ones. Society expects women to remain silent, ignoring harmful cycles that need addressing.
Men always have a choice: they can choose to improve their lives or walk away. This is often a revelation for many men observing a friend who appears to be under a woman’s influence. The truth is that many men want to change for the better. They may not have realized they were trapped in a negative cycle until they found someone who feels like home.
Change can be significant, and it deserves acknowledgment. When men choose to make life improvements—whether it’s quitting drinking, embracing new adventures, or altering their appearance—it’s not due to coercion. Men have the freedom to pursue what they want, just as women do. When a woman adjusts herself for a relationship, it’s often seen as being a “good partner,” while a man doing the same is labeled as controlled. This double standard is misguided.
A healthy relationship involves mutual support and growth. What I’ve described here isn’t about control; it’s about partnership and evolution.
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In summary, the narrative that women are controlling because they inspire change in their partners is both inaccurate and harmful. True partnerships are about growth and support, where both individuals thrive together without being labeled negatively for their choices.