“May 18th,” my daughter replied, but she was mistaken. Perhaps attending this event was a mistake.
The night before, my nearly 9-year-old had expressed anxiety about going to the Birthday Book Club because she dislikes the chaos of mornings. I reassured her that our departure time wouldn’t change; we would simply be driving to school instead of taking the bus. Yet, her worries persisted. A mere 12 hours before the event, she was already feeling unsettled about this shift in our routine. I could relate all too well.
I often wonder if I have battled anxiety my entire life or if it developed later on. For years, I didn’t realize that my feelings of anger, hesitation, frustration, and fear were due to Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I was unaware that these emotions were linked to my physical symptoms—stomachaches, headaches, and my tendency to withdraw socially. I simply didn’t recognize that I was more sensitive to sounds, emotions, and overwhelming situations than most. This lack of understanding diminished my self-esteem.
As for my daughter, I’m uncertain if she is experiencing GAD or if she is simply a Highly Sensitive Person. What weighs on me is the guilt I feel for her struggles. However, I am also grateful that I can identify what she is going through. While I wish I could eliminate her discomfort, I appreciate that I can equip her with coping strategies. This way, she won’t have to carry the weight of her feelings, whether they stem from anxiety or merely the challenges of being sensitive.
After we gave the volunteer the correct birthday and placed her name sticker in the book, my daughter found a spot to sit and listen to the librarian read. She settled just a couple of steps from where she had been standing, too overwhelmed to look for a better spot. I suggested that we could leave and return to her classroom, and she agreed.
As we made our way through the sea of backpacks near the library entrance, the bell rang. My third grader froze; it was the tardy bell. I reminded her that the librarian had assured us that no one from Birthday Book Club would be marked tardy, but she remained unconvinced.
I took her hands, looked deeply into her eyes, and encouraged her to breathe. We inhaled together, and after another cleansing breath, she wrapped her arms around me tightly, putting all her strength into that hug. We said our goodbyes, and she hurried down the long hallway. I stood there, watching until she turned the corner, trying to absorb her anxious feelings and shoulder the burden myself.
Being a mother when I have GAD and am a Highly Sensitive Person can be challenging. I often sense my daughters’ emotions before they even express them. My hope is to be strong enough to support them when necessary while being perceptive enough to recognize when they need help before they ask.
As difficult as motherhood is for me, I can only imagine how much harder it is for my daughter. Yet, I’ve learned that we rarely get to choose which burdens we bear; we only choose how to carry them.
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Summary:
This piece reflects on the author’s experience with anxiety and her concerns about passing it on to her daughter. It emphasizes the importance of understanding and coping with emotions, while also providing resources for family-building options and managing fears.