Why We Should Move Beyond Labeling This Year as ‘The Lost Year’

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In discussions about children and the pandemic, the term “lost year” frequently arises. People often express concerns about kids lagging in their studies, missing essential milestones, and losing chances to socialize.

Every time I hear the phrase “the lost year,” I feel a pang of discomfort. This past year has indeed been challenging—extremely so. Many have faced genuine losses, including loss of life, employment, and health. However, the losses that parents typically mention when discussing the “lost year” focus more on educational setbacks, social interactions, and friendships.

I urge parents to step back and rethink how they perceive and discuss the past year. When the world first shut down, my primary anxiety (besides keeping my family safe) was how social isolation would affect my middle schoolers. They were either in the midst of or about to enter that pivotal, often tumultuous stage of adolescence.

Judith Warner, author of “And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School,” pointed out that early adolescence in the United States is a crucial developmental phase, marked by intense brain changes comparable to those seen in infants. Before the pandemic, my children were navigating their adolescent journey quite well, forming strong friendships and managing school demands.

However, the pandemic disrupted these vital relationships, which are key during the teenage years. Remote learning and isolation meant they lost opportunities to interact with peers in meaningful ways—no chatting during chemistry experiments, joking over lunch, or competing in friendly games at the park.

While they still connected through FaceTime and gaming, these interactions lacked the independence typical of their age. Phyllis Fagell, a school counselor and author, highlighted how middle schoolers need to distance themselves from their parents to develop their identities and friendships, and this crucial work has been stunted.

As parents, we’ve shared our worries about our middle schoolers’ developmental progress at this critical juncture. Warner noted that many parents are concerned their children may have missed essential milestones. Yet, while it’s natural to express these fears, it’s not productive—especially in front of our kids. Experts suggest that our concerns may be exaggerated.

The reality is that most children are likely to be okay. Their rapid development is a key factor in this resilience. Laurence Steinberg, a psychology professor, noted that the brain’s flexibility at this age allows for adaptability, despite the challenges posed by remote learning. Thus, while the past year has been tough, the majority of middle schoolers will manage to bounce back.

Of course, it’s important to acknowledge that some teens may have struggled significantly, facing heightened risks of mental health issues including anxiety and depression. If you notice your child is having a tough time, don’t hesitate to seek help—reach out to their school, consult a therapist, or have open discussions about their feelings.

However, it’s essential to recognize how our framing of this year can impact our kids. Many children believe their parents are disappointed in them, and the focus on their losses can reinforce this perception. Parental mood plays a significant role in teen mental health, making it vital to approach this period with a balanced mindset.

As Mitch Prinstein, a psychology professor, pointed out, we must reshape our narrative as we move forward. It’s not just about hardship; we should also celebrate our children’s resilience and adaptability.

So, how can parents support their middle schoolers in this transitional phase?

1. Stop Focusing on Losses: While it’s true that many activities were canceled, it’s important to refrain from discussing everything our kids “lost” this year. Instead, if they express disappointment, acknowledge their feelings and gently guide them towards recognizing the positives they’ve gained.
2. Ease Up on Screen Time Rules: Many kids who thrived during the pandemic maintained connections with friends through digital means. While moderation is important, we can relax our screen time restrictions during these unusual circumstances.
3. Offer Praise: Let’s take a moment to appreciate our kids. They’ve navigated online schooling, adapted to mask-wearing, and learned new skills like video conferencing. Their ability to cope with such chaos is impressive, and we should celebrate their efforts.
4. Have Faith: Yes, it’s been a tough year, but as the saying goes, “this too shall pass.” With resilience evident in many young people, the experts are optimistic—most kids will emerge from this experience just fine.

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Summary:

This article emphasizes the importance of reframing discussions around the past year, moving away from the notion of it being a “lost year.” Parents are encouraged to focus on the resilience and adaptability of their children rather than dwelling on perceived losses. Acknowledging their feelings, reducing restrictions around screen time, and offering praise for their efforts can help foster a more positive outlook for middle schoolers as they navigate these challenging times.