I can hear my children bickering loudly upstairs. It could escalate to full-blown chaos, or they might surprise me and resolve their differences. Luckily, they often opt for the latter, and calmness returns just as swiftly as it was disrupted. The toughest part? Resisting the urge to step in, trusting their ability to work things out without my interference. More often than not, giving them space is the best decision I can make as a parent.
Sure, my kids do tattle on one another from time to time (because, well, kids), but they’ve learned to handle most of their disputes. They know I’m not quick to swoop in and resolve their issues for them. Even when they do come to me for help, I often respond with a simple, “Figure it out.” They may grumble, but they ultimately step up to the challenge because I’ve removed the option of passing the responsibility onto someone else.
As a parent, my role is to provide guidance—not to do everything for them. Offering direction means nudging them toward the right choices, rather than carrying them along the path I think they should follow. I don’t dictate what games they play, who they play with, or even what they choose for lunch. These are decisions they are perfectly capable of making.
Learning is a process that occurs through trial and error, successes and failures—it’s a hands-on experience. If I consistently intervene before they have a chance to tackle challenges on their own, I risk hindering their growth, even with the best intentions. Eventually, I won’t always be there, so I need to prepare them to navigate the world independently.
Think of it this way: If you tie your child’s shoes every day, even when they’re capable of doing it themselves, they’ll come to expect your help. Then, when their shoelaces come undone on the playground, they might feel embarrassed and unprepared. Pointing! Laughing! Bullying! Therapy! Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point.
When I ease my grip, both my kids and I benefit. They gain independence and the confidence to face challenges, while I no longer feel the need to micromanage every aspect of their lives. I can save time and energy by letting them handle things that they are more than capable of managing. This doesn’t mean I’m completely checked out, scrolling through my phone while they navigate hazardous situations. Instead, I assess whether my involvement is necessary for their safety or if it’s just a reflection of my tendency to hover. If it’s the latter, I step back.
It’s not easy to let them learn through their own messy experiences, especially for those of us who like having control (not that I have any personal experience with being a control freak … ahem). It can be heart-wrenching, but my primary role as a parent is to ensure my children have opportunities to experience life—complete with its challenges—firsthand. That’s the most valuable gift I can provide, even if it doesn’t always look that way from my vantage point on the couch.
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In summary, stepping back and allowing children to navigate their own conflicts fosters independence and self-confidence. It’s essential to strike a balance between guidance and letting them learn through experience. As parents, we should focus on equipping our kids for the future rather than solving every problem for them.