As I stood with my toddler, Lila, she shyly nestled her head against my shoulder while we greeted her grandparents, who had traveled over six hours to see us. Though they were excited for the reunion, Lila was clearly not ready to engage. As her grandparents reached for her, I felt her little hands clutching my back tighter. I found myself torn—part of me wanted to hand her over for the expected hugs, but a stronger instinct held me back. Even the awkward “group hug” felt like a violation of her personal space.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was letting her grandparents down. I smiled apologetically, reassuring them that Lila would warm up to them soon, as if my role was to ensure she was an affectionate child for their enjoyment. But what if she never felt like hugging them? Wouldn’t that be a letdown for two people who had driven so far to see us?
Despite the potential disappointment, my partner and I have made a conscious choice never to compel our children to hug or kiss anyone, including us, when they’re not comfortable. It’s a hard stance to take, particularly when I see Lila sometimes refuse to show affection to her dad, Jason, after he gets home from work. Although part of me wishes she would greet him with open arms, we respect her choice and never force the issue.
Growing up in a Midwest Lutheran household during the 1980s, I was taught to prioritize politeness and caretaking. I learned early on to consider others’ feelings, share, and cater to guests’ preferences. While I still value kindness and compassion, I’ve come to realize that pressuring children to use their bodies to make others feel good can have harmful consequences. Forcing a reluctant child into an embrace can actually teach them to ignore their instincts and emotional boundaries.
By empowering our children to decide who they want to hug, we are teaching them to take control of their own bodies, rather than just prioritizing someone else’s comfort. Workshops on parenting, like those offered by Parenting Safe Children, emphasize that allowing kids to set their own boundaries is crucial for safeguarding them against potential abuse.
It may seem like an overstatement, but these subtle social cues can have lasting effects. A girl hesitant to tell a relative she doesn’t want to cuddle, or a boy who allows unwanted tickling, often opens the door to discomfort and abuse later on. Yes, we teach our children to graciously accept gifts they might not like, but we must also draw the line at compromising their own comfort for others.
Moreover, this principle extends beyond mere hugs. It can empower our daughters to confidently make choices about their bodies as they grow older, helping them to resist pressure to engage in sexual activity before they are ready. If young girls learn to prioritize their comfort, they may be less likely to find themselves in compromising situations later in life.
When we stop unintentionally teaching our children to neglect their own comfort for the sake of others, we set them up for healthier relationships. This seemingly “rude” stance can create a foundation for protecting them from harmful encounters and outdated gender norms. While it might disappoint Grandma and Grandpa, a simple wave, high-five, or blown kiss can suffice, and who knows? Next time, Lila might choose to run to them on her own terms.
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In summary, allowing children to choose when to show affection not only respects their autonomy but also serves to instill lifelong boundaries that can protect them from potential harm.