Growing up in the 80s and 90s, I had my share of childhood staples: Caboodles, scrunchies, and My Little Ponies were all part of my world. My siblings and I spent countless hours together, which often led to arguments. We’d find ourselves in time-outs, standing in the corner of the dining room, or facing the occasional spanking. As we matured, grounding us from phone calls or mall outings became the go-to punishment.
When my partner and I began our own family, we vowed to avoid spanking. However, when our first child hit the challenging threenager phase, we reverted to time-outs and stern conversations. With the arrival of our second child and then a third, we were juggling a lot. By the time we adopted our fourth child, we learned that one of our older kids had ADHD. I sensed something was amiss long before the diagnosis; hyperactivity, sensory meltdowns, and a lack of focus had been evident.
We soon discovered that the traditional parenting techniques we had known—be it yelling, grounding, or time-outs—were ineffective. Every disciplinary strategy we attempted, from raising our voices to implementing outdoor play, resulted in resistance, tears, and anger. It felt like an endless cycle of frustration, leaving us bewildered and feeling like we were losing control.
After consulting our child’s doctor, we considered occupational therapy, but our insurance denied coverage. Medication options were available, but we were cautious about their side effects. During this uncertain time, we encountered a flood of unsolicited advice. Some suggested spanking, while others promoted alternative therapies like CBD oil and gluten-free diets. It seemed everyone had a “cure” to offer.
What I truly desired was to nurture a healthy, trusting relationship with my child. Unfortunately, we felt overwhelmed, and our family dynamic was suffering. It became clear that our child’s ADHD was not something to blame but rather a part of who they were. The frustrating part? We were the supposed adults, yet we felt utterly lost about how to proceed.
As I dove into research, I began ignoring the misguided advice and found the answer we desperately needed: our responses as parents mattered. The reality was that ADHD wouldn’t simply disappear, and we had to learn not to take our child’s refusals personally. It was time to adopt a new approach—one that involved both strength and empathy, even if it felt foreign.
Initially, I was skeptical about the concept of connective parenting. The idea of abandoning traditional methods like reward charts and time-outs felt unconventional. However, the focus on understanding the “why” behind behaviors rather than merely reacting was enlightening. I had to become an empathetic investigator, rather than a reactionary parent.
One of the advantages of connective parenting is that it eliminates delayed punishments. Instead of imposing strict penalties for misbehavior, we now focus on natural consequences. For example, if a toy is broken, that’s the consequence—no need for additional punishment. We also strive to identify feelings early on, collaborating with our child to find solutions before things escalate.
This approach has fostered greater empathy for my child. Experts and parents of kids with ADHD have shared that these children often work harder to maintain emotional and physical regulation compared to their peers. Living with ADHD can be exhausting, and it’s disheartening for these kids to feel misunderstood.
Resorting to spanking only exacerbates an already volatile situation, creating more anger. Similarly, delayed punishments can lead to fixation on negative experiences, while yelling increases sensory overload for children. Traditional methods simply don’t work.
While connective parenting isn’t a magical cure for ADHD or other challenges, it brings much-needed consistency and predictability. Yes, we still face tough days, but now we’re united as a team rather than adversaries.
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In summary, traditional discipline methods are often ineffective for children with ADHD. By embracing a more empathetic and understanding approach, parents can foster healthier relationships with their kids and create a more harmonious family environment.