Whether you’re striving to meet your parents’ expectations in your own parenting or aiming to surpass their methods, your parents inevitably become the yardstick by which you assess your effectiveness as a caregiver.
My parents epitomized the image of well-organized individuals. By the time my siblings and I encountered any rules or plans, those decisions were already set in stone and non-negotiable. They successfully raised three imaginative children, yet punctuality, meticulous planning, and strict regulations were ideals we admired but seldom embraced. It’s clear that we didn’t inherit that particular trait from them.
It’s interesting to note how different my siblings and I turned out, despite sharing the same upbringing. This is one of the fascinating enigmas of raising siblings: the same environment and parents can yield three distinct paths in life. We all share a creative spirit—a doctor specializing in fertility, an interior designer, and a writer—but our artistic expressions differ greatly.
Even as we navigate our 40s and 50s, we still feel a strong desire to uphold our parents’ values. We aim to make decisions that would please them, and so do our children. We recognize the importance of dressing appropriately for every occasion—often erring on the side of dressing up rather than down. We’ve instilled in our kids a solid foundation rooted in Jewish traditions, guiding them morally and ethically, while still allowing for the occasional indulgence like lobster nights and cheeseburgers, or even a trip to the movies on a Friday night.
Though we are firmly in the middle of our lives, we often find ourselves pondering: “What would Mom and Dad think?” They continue to serve as our collective conscience, influencing our choices as adults, parents, partners, and members of society.
That sets a high bar.
The first night I held my newborn daughter in my arms, rocking her gently, I looked into her wide, innocent eyes and pondered, “What will I do to mess you up over the next 17 years?” She smiled at me, blissfully unaware. Now, approaching 14, she would likely have a detailed list of grievances. Just last month, as I packed her for summer camp—right in the same spot where I first rocked her—I was met with a firm “Don’t be so overbearing, Mom.” I can only imagine the extensive list she’ll compile as she grows older.
Our kids love us boundlessly—though sometimes I wonder if it’s simply a mild case of Stockholm Syndrome. Mostly, I trust that this affection is genuine, bordering on a deep companionship and even friendship. Yet, I can’t shake off the nagging guilt that lingers—a vague cloud of unease regarding how I might complicate their journey through adulthood, partnerships, and friendships. Perhaps I should refrain from discussing them in pieces like this, but maybe I’m just giving them material for future therapy sessions.
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Summary
Navigating parenthood while measuring against our own parents’ standards can be daunting. Despite our diverse paths, my siblings and I are still influenced by the values our parents instilled in us. As we face the challenges of raising our children, we often wonder how our actions will shape their futures. Ultimately, our love for them remains unwavering, despite the complexities that come with parenting.