This summer, I found myself discussing my friend’s new role at the student health clinic of our local university. I was curious if she encountered typical issues like colds and contraception or something more alarming. With my daughter now in college, I am constantly seeking insights from professionals, especially regarding concerns like binge drinking and unprotected sex. To my surprise, my friend confided, her voice barely audible, “I see a lot of anxiety.”
“Really? Even here?” I asked, taken aback. Having spent six years at this university for both my undergraduate and graduate studies, I never considered it a place rife with anxiety. Sure, there were stressful moments; I distinctly remember receiving a D on my math final and the wave of nausea that followed. I kept it to myself, too embarrassed to share with friends or even my parents. I spent the next few days navigating my own feelings of distress until they eventually subsided, leading me to accept my C in the course. However, another friend of mine, a university counselor, mentioned that today’s youth struggle with this self-reflection. “They lack coping skills,” he explained. “I teach them how to manage their emotions.”
Coping skills—what a nebulous concept. How do we instill these in our children? Or are they simply innate? Countless articles and books discuss the challenges millennial children face, particularly when they transition to college life. Professors at the university frequently comment on the cultural shift compared to previous generations—how parents now intervene by calling about grades, attending orientation with their children, and stepping in when kids struggle. This conversation has been ongoing for over a decade. Yet, the increasing number of suicide clusters at selective colleges and the rising anxiety levels reported at counseling centers—up by 13 percent in just two years—are alarming.
Recently, I completed reading How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims, which advocates for a reduction in overparenting and emphasizes equipping children with practical life skills, including coping mechanisms. I found myself nodding along to her observations—our tendency to resolve social conflicts and redefine them as bullying, our reluctance to trust teachers and administrators, and our failure to encourage our children to contribute at home. I see these patterns all around me, and I admit I relate to them more than I’d like to confess.
Conversely, friends who promote their children’s independence point to social media as an exacerbating factor. One friend even moved her family away from a high-pressure neighborhood to alleviate the stress of competing with others. The “curated self” phenomenon on platforms like Instagram and Snapchat, which showcases a polished and seemingly perfect life, contributes to this anxiety. A few days before my daughter left for college, she excitedly shared pictures of an upperclassman from her school, showcasing incredible adventures—hiking in Nepal and skiing in exotic locations. “Look at everything she’s done!” my daughter exclaimed. Does she realize that everyone grapples with self-doubt, even those who appear to have it all?
My daughter, an independent spirit, has always embraced challenges. From a young age, she was self-sufficient, managing her homework and even cooking her meals. She successfully navigated the college application process, studying for the SAT independently while balancing her senior classes. She confidently traveled alone across New York City and even backpacked in the North Cascades with friends, insisting her dad stay behind so they could navigate without assistance. She trusts her problem-solving skills and even enjoys the thrill of getting lost. Lythcott-Haims would commend her.
Yet, I wonder about the state of her emotional resilience. How adept is she at self-reflection? Can she calm herself after facing setbacks? How will she cope with homesickness or loneliness? I cannot predict her future challenges, but I know from my experiences that these feelings are temporary—as long as one acknowledges that they are part of the human experience, just like what many are posting on Instagram.
The complexities our children face as they transition into adulthood are multifaceted. While I agree with my friends that curbing overparenting is essential, the pervasive influence of social media remains a challenge. My daughter exemplifies independence and practical skills, but the societal pressures around success are overwhelming. In our efforts to combat these pressures in our quieter community, the struggle continues. We must maintain these conversations and lessen the burdens we place on our children. The stakes are too high; too many young people are suffering.
In summary, it’s vital for parents and communities to recognize the changing landscape of childhood and adolescence, identify the pressures that contribute to anxiety, and shift the cultural narrative around success. Encouraging independence, emotional resilience, and open discussions about mental health will help our children navigate the complexities they face today.