Lately, I’ve been reflecting on my son Jake’s approach to his homework as a 9th grader. He embodies that archetype many of us recognize: intelligent, analytical, and at times, motivated—yet often indifferent. His grades are satisfactory, with a couple of A’s, but his organizational skills could fill entire volumes of self-help literature. While these habits are less than ideal, they are surprisingly typical.
This morning, I stumbled upon an article in The Atlantic advocating for increased parental involvement in high school homework to instill crucial organizational skills in teens. This perspective contradicts the advice from many educators who suggest that parents should take a step back during this developmental stage. The article encourages parents to be more hands-on, given that schools often overlook teaching these essential skills, leaving teenagers ill-prepared for high school, college, and future endeavors.
The author’s concerns resonate with me. I share the anxiety that kids—especially boys—may not acquire these skills, particularly when teachers recognize their potential but see their disorganization. One of Jake’s teachers once described him as “incredibly bright but struggling with basic student skills.” I haven’t inquired whether this teacher has offered support, so I’m left wondering.
While I agree that many kids lack the skills necessary for success, I’ve chosen a different approach from the author. I believe that the most impactful lessons often come from sources outside the home. I concur with educators that parents should ease up, and I’m trying to do just that. I still need to be aware of his academic situation—especially if his grades slip significantly, which might indicate deeper issues like stress or substance use. But overall, I think it’s essential for kids to navigate their homework responsibilities on their own, even if it results in a lower grade. They should have the freedom to learn from their mistakes while it’s still low stakes.
In our household, we emphasize the importance of higher education. Jake understands that grades matter. My husband and I both hold advanced degrees, and our daughter, a high school senior, has been focused on college plans for years, showcasing impressive organizational skills.
However, I don’t impose the same homework structure on Jake as I do on his sister. I don’t require him to write assignments on a whiteboard or take away privileges for incomplete work. Thankfully, his grades are not in the D range, so I can’t speak to that scenario. I’ve stopped discussing his online grades and ceased my reminders about missing assignments. While we do offer to help him study for tests, if he chooses not to accept, that’s his decision—I’ve stepped back from being the homework enforcer. When he expressed a desire for a planner at the start of the semester—saying it might aid him in keeping track of assignments—I promptly purchased one, but I haven’t monitored its usage.
My belief is that we should not panic over less-than-stellar grades due to poor executive functioning skills. Recent brain research indicates that the adolescent brain doesn’t reach full maturity until the late 20s or 30s. Teenagers, particularly 9th-grade boys, often exhibit scattered thinking, which can heighten parental anxiety as grades become more consequential. However, despite their scattered minds, kids must take ownership of their homework responsibilities (if that means they seek help from us, that’s great; if not, that’s fine too). At this stage, they are capable enough to assume responsibility for their choices.
Stepping back necessitates a long-term perspective. I don’t believe that poor high school grades carry the dire long-term consequences many assert. Sure, low grades may hinder entry into prestigious colleges or even state universities at this moment, but that’s a risk I’m willing to accept.
Will I completely stop worrying about Jake’s homework? Probably not. I might drop hints about study strategies for him to consider. However, my goal is for him to understand that completing his assignments is vital for his future—not merely a means to earn privileges like gaming console time. Unless he asks, I won’t be pulling out the whiteboard any time soon.
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In summary, I’ve decided to step back from nagging my son about homework, allowing him to take responsibility for his academic life. I believe in the importance of learning from mistakes and the value of independence during this crucial stage of development.