I was 21 when someone first asked me if I had ever been harmed or if anyone had violated my personal space. At that point, I had been in therapy for various issues, including anxiety and depression, for over eight years. The question caught me off guard, leading me to reply honestly, “Yes, which instance are you referring to?”
While the specifics of my experiences aren’t the focus here, I can attest from personal encounters and those of others that this is a vital conversation to have. No matter how young or old your child is, asking them directly about any past abuse is essential. You must be prepared for the answers, whatever they may be.
Why is This Necessary?
Because children often won’t speak up unless prompted. They tend to bury their experiences, much like I did for nearly ten years, even while undergoing various therapeutic treatments. My parents believed they understood my struggles; they thought they were providing the necessary help. However, nobody asked the right questions or looked deeper than the visible signs of distress. The burden of shame and guilt was too much for me to voice my truths.
Though some children do find the courage to confide in trusted adults, many remain silent. Tragically, some even confide in someone who dismisses their claims or inadvertently perpetuates the secrecy of abuse. I remember calling a friend the night I was first assaulted; they questioned my credibility and accused me of seeking attention. That moment sealed my lips for years, allowing further violations, as I convinced myself I deserved such treatment. Predators often target individuals who are already vulnerable.
Adults frequently misinterpret signs of distress in children as “teen angst” or “acting out.” Young kids may regress, showing symptoms like bedwetting or increased anxiety, which are often dismissed as typical behavioral changes. So how can you truly know what’s going on? You ask.
As a Parent
As a mother to a 2-year-old daughter, I dread the thought of her encountering such realities. I wish she could grow up oblivious to the dangers that exist in the world. I want her to feel safe in any environment—whether it be sleepovers, babysitters, or outings with friends. However, my greater fear lies in not knowing if she has experienced harm. I worry she might feel too ashamed to come to me if something were to happen.
That is why I will ask her direct questions about whether anyone has ever made her uncomfortable, scared, or hurt her. I will educate her about “appropriate” and “inappropriate” touches. She will understand that she is not obligated to show affection to anyone, including her family, if she doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s vital that she knows she can set rules about her own body and that I am always there to listen if those rules are violated.
As she grows, I’ll continue to check in. I’ll ask if she’s ever felt pressured to go along with something, if anything escalated beyond her comfort level, or if she ever felt confused about a situation. I’ll ensure the conversation remains open and normalized, so she feels safe discussing these topics without hesitation.
Don’t Let Discomfort Silence You
Don’t let your discomfort prevent you from having these crucial dialogues. Don’t let fear silence you. Just ask your children.
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Summary
Engaging in conversations about abuse with your children is imperative. By asking direct questions and fostering an environment of openness, you can help them feel safe and supported. These discussions can be uncomfortable, but they are necessary to ensure your child’s well-being and safety.