As a parent, I often hear my eldest son, Liam, expressing frustration that I seem to be stricter with him compared to his little brother, Noah. He’s pointed out that I tend to give Noah more leeway when he misbehaves, offering him extra warnings and fewer consequences. Liam is absolutely correct. I find myself more composed and lenient with Noah while being more critical of Liam’s actions. He frequently ends up in his room, loses privileges, and bears the brunt of my frustration during their sibling squabbles.
But what Liam doesn’t yet grasp is that there are good reasons for my approach. First and foremost, Liam is older. At 6 and 9 years old, the gap between their ages is becoming less significant, allowing them to engage in similar activities and mischief. However, being three years older means I naturally expect Liam to demonstrate more maturity. I assume he understands better than to use inappropriate language at the playground or to manage his emotions, and I expect him to focus on his homework for a mere 15 minutes each night.
Is it fair to hold Liam to higher expectations? Perhaps, perhaps not. Nonetheless, it’s a reality I face as a parent. My goal isn’t just to prevent my children from being rude; I aspire to nurture them into kind, empathetic individuals. This means I set a fairly high standard for their behavior. Yet I recognize that these expectations aren’t always practical. Parenting is an evolving journey, and over time I’ve learned to discern what truly deserves firm discipline and what I can afford to overlook (because, let’s face it, kids can be quite ridiculous).
Another factor that contributes to my stricter stance with Liam is his role as a role model. He may not see it, but Liam has a significant influence on his younger brother. His vibrant personality makes him a natural leader, and Noah closely observes and imitates him. When Liam is calm, the atmosphere is peaceful; when he’s hyper, chaos ensues. When Liam misbehaves, it often prompts Noah to follow suit. By managing Liam’s behavior, I can positively affect Noah’s actions as well—two problems tackled at once.
This doesn’t mean I care for Liam any less or that I show favoritism. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Each child requires a different parenting approach. What resonates with one child might not be effective for another. Treating our children equally doesn’t entail treating them the same; they are unique individuals with distinct needs and strengths. As parents, it’s our responsibility to cater to those needs, nurture their strengths, and assist them in overcoming their weaknesses. Sometimes, that necessitates being tougher on one child from the child’s perspective.
Having been an oldest sibling myself, I can relate to the frustration of being held to seemingly impossible standards and facing stricter consequences for minor mistakes. Yet, I also understand the reasoning behind it. My parents were often more stringent with me than with my younger siblings; however, I don’t hold it against them. Their intent was simply to guide and love me to the best of their abilities, just as I strive to do with Liam and Noah.
In time, I am confident that Liam will come to realize that my intentions are rooted in love and a desire for him to grow into a remarkable person.
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In summary, being tougher on my older child stems from a combination of his age, the influence he has on his younger sibling, and my desire to instill values of kindness and responsibility in both boys. It’s a balancing act of expectations and love tailored to each child’s unique needs.