Yesterday unfolded like any other day. I woke up, showered, got ready, and prepared to take care of my kids. My partner woke up, showered, and went to walk the dogs. We loaded the kids into the car and dropped them off at daycare before heading to work. After a long day, we picked the children up and returned home.
My partner took our toddler downstairs to see the puppies (the moment we arrived home, our toddler began his enthusiastic chant of “Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!”). I removed the baby’s jacket, took off my own, and hung them up in the closet. I also packed away my shoes (trust me, this detail is important). After changing my clothes with the baby in tow, I began clearing the clutter from the kitchen table. Once finished, we migrated to the living room to play.
That’s when it happened. My partner and toddler returned from the basement, and my partner removed the toddler’s jacket and sneakers, placing them on the kitchen table. He then set our toddler down and went to the cupboard to get himself a snack (yes, you read that correctly—he was getting a snack for himself, not for the toddler). That’s when I spoke up: “Can you help me out and at least put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
As I uttered those words, a wave of realization washed over me. I was essentially asking him to assist me when he should be engaging as an equal partner. I thought about all the times I had asked him for help: “Can you help me out and… put away the kid’s jacket? …get the baby a bottle? …rinse your plate? …put your shoes away? …take out the garbage? …fold your laundry?”
The truth dawned on me: these were the wrong words. He’s not just helping me; he’s fulfilling his role as a responsible adult and co-parent. In that moment, I stated, “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not helping me out. It’s simply taking care of your child’s things.” He didn’t reply but proceeded to put things away.
From that day forward, I resolved to stop asking my partner for help—unless it’s a genuine favor, like dealing with a giant bug that I’m terrified of. Here’s why:
1. It Undermines His Role
My partner is an adult in his own right. He shouldn’t be seen as my helper or someone who needs guidance to be useful. He is capable and valuable on his own. If there’s something he hasn’t noticed that needs doing, I can simply point it out. It’s about what needs to be done in a bustling household, not about me directing him.
2. It Unfairly Places Responsibility on Me
I don’t bear the sole responsibility for keeping our home organized or our kids fed, clean, and clothed. Framing this dynamic with phrases like “help me out” shifts the burden onto me. While I’d love to own a yacht or a luxury car, I do not want to shoulder all the responsibilities of our home. I want to share that equally.
3. It Sends the Wrong Message to Our Children
I don’t want my boys growing up thinking that minor contributions, like putting the toilet seat down or taking out the trash, warrant praise as if they’re doing a favor. I want them to understand the importance of being true partners who take pride in their responsibilities.
4. It Weakens Our Partnership
My partner is my equal. While we may approach tasks differently, the goal is to work together towards a happy, healthy family. I don’t want to micromanage him or have him think that his role is merely to assist me. His role is as a father and my partner—and, of course, to deal with any unwelcome bugs.
So, the next time my partner leaves his clean laundry in the dryer for days on end, instead of asking him to “help me out” by folding it so that I can wash the kids’ clothes, I’ll simply tell him to clear his belongings from my path.
For more insights on family dynamics and responsibilities, check out our other blog posts, including our guide on home insemination kits, which can be found here. For more information on pregnancy, visit CDC’s infertility statistics, or read about listeriosis at this authority.
Summary
The author reflects on the dynamics of partnership in parenting and household responsibilities, realizing that asking her partner for help undermines his role and places undue responsibility on herself. She emphasizes the importance of viewing her partner as an equal, sharing responsibilities, and setting a good example for their children.