My son, Max, is nine years old now, but sometimes when I reach for a five, he instinctively responds by taking my hand instead. His sweetness truly warms my heart. I’ve shared before how sensitive this kid is. While that sensitivity can make parenting challenging at times, it has become my favorite aspect of our relationship.
I once heard that age eight is when boys typically start absorbing unhealthy messages about masculinity, learning to feel ashamed for expressing their feelings. It was heartbreaking to think about where Max would channel his big emotions if he began to suppress them. Interestingly, his eighth year coincided with the onset of Covid, which kept him socially distant from those cultural influences I worried would strip away his true self. Although he already has a nurturing school and family environment, I’m thankful for that extra year with limited external pressures. I hope it might strengthen his self-confidence as he broadens his experiences.
What’s intriguing is that, even without the added pressure to “toughen up,” he has, in many ways, gained strength throughout the past year. Not because he fears his emotions, but because he has matured and learned how to manage them.
Just yesterday, he looked down from a ropes course and shouted, “I’m TERRIFIED.” Yet, he went ahead anyway, and his dad noticed his voice quiver when he made it back down. There was no emotional breakdown from 30 feet up; instead, he was proud of overcoming his fear. In contrast, true to form for birthday anxiety, he had a minor meltdown this morning. However, this time, instead of letting it overwhelm him, he took himself upstairs for a quick break. A few minutes later, he came back down, apologized, and told me he had worked on a puzzle because they help him reset when he’s “feeling stressed.” Whatever works, buddy. We’ve come a long way!
I often wonder what other positive coping skills our boys might develop if given the time and space to do so. If instead of being talked out of their emotions by second grade, they were allowed a bit more time for their minds and bodies to agree on effective ways to navigate their feelings. We might be surprised to see that they only need a basic manners manual to become “real men.” I don’t think we should worry that if they aren’t always composed at eight, they’ll fall apart at 38. Allowing them to embrace their natural tendencies could lead them to carry an extra measure of kindness and empathy into adulthood.
Life will undoubtedly teach them strength. However, during their most challenging moments, it might be beneficial not to add to their grief or disappointment by teaching them that uncomfortable emotions should be stifled. This year, I hope Max continues to balance the strength that comes with age and the God-given tenderness he was born with. I trust that if he maintains a healthy perspective on his big emotions, he will find ways to express love, stubbornness, anger, compassion, and sentimentality beautifully. And you can be sure that as he does, I’ll be watching from the sidelines, unable to hold back my tears.
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