Dear Spanx,
We had a deal, and frankly, you’re not holding up your end. You’re supposed to be my reliable solution for tightening, shaping, and smoothing out those little imperfections. I admit I’ve indulged a bit lately, but let’s be real—you were designed with stretch for a reason. A few extra slices of pizza and chocolate should not throw you off your game. After all, your whole purpose is to help those of us who struggle to tone up a little more. I bought you in my size when I was that size, but now I find myself on the other side of the spectrum. Sure, I’ve added a mere 10 pounds (okay, okay, the dreaded freshman 15), but that shouldn’t be a dealbreaker, right?
- Do you recall the day I wore you for my daughter’s communion? Picture it—a stunning dress that I barely squeezed into after a not-so-ideal vacation (I’m looking at you, Sanibel). I opted for the all-in-one dress Assets version, Spanx’s budget-friendly sibling. Who spends $80 on something no one can see? Well, I just reviewed the photos, and let me tell you, you failed miserably. I looked like I was five months pregnant.
- And let’s not forget that delightful moment in church when you decided to roll up like a window shade! There I was, sitting in the pew, and you just gave up, climbing up my legs and settling around my backside. I struggled to discreetly pull you down in a place where I shouldn’t have even been adjusting my undergarments. I can only imagine what the people around me thought—definitely not the best time for wardrobe malfunctions.
- Oh, and there was that incident at the fundraiser when I wore that fabulous black jumpsuit. Time for a bathroom break? Not so fast! I found myself trapped in the shapewear while trying to navigate the stall like a contortionist. The bottom piece was stubbornly stuck, and I had to summon a strength I never knew I possessed. Meanwhile, someone was having a mini-crisis in the stall next to me. Just fantastic.
- Then there was the time I got stuck in my shapewear tank top after a long day. I was in my closet wrestling with the thing, which decided to cling to my curves like a clingy ex. The panic set in, and I seriously considered scissors. I eventually managed to free myself, but not before experiencing true claustrophobia.
- The final straw came the other night when I had to call my husband to rescue me from my Spanx ¾ sleeve top. I was genuinely trapped and starting to lose it. Talk about ruining the illusion of sexiness I’ve worked so hard to maintain over the last 14 years. Thanks for that; he was already skeptical, and this sealed the deal.
So, thank you, Spanx/Assets/Yummy Tummie, or whatever you choose to call yourself. You’ve caused me embarrassment, panic, and bathroom nightmares I won’t forget anytime soon. If I could just shed 20 pounds, I’d happily bid you farewell.
P.S. I know going up a size would solve this, but I refuse to invest more money in you—after all, I’ll only be this size for a short time.
Thanks for failing to deliver on your promise.
Sincerely,
Me
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Summary:
In a humorous and relatable letter, Alyssa Hartman expresses her frustrations with Spanx for not living up to her expectations. From embarrassing moments to feeling trapped, she recounts several instances that highlight the challenges of wearing shapewear. Despite acknowledging her weight gain, she laments the product’s inability to accommodate her changes and refuses to invest in a larger size.