I’ve been married for nearly 12 years. Throughout this time, we’ve purchased a home, a car, added a rabbit to our family, and welcomed three wonderful children. We’ve experienced both joyous moments and trying times, and now I find myself contemplating divorce. The challenge lies in my fear of voicing this truth.
My husband is not a bad person—quite the opposite. He holds a respected position in our community, and people often compliment him, saying, “Your husband is wonderful,” or “He’s so kind.” He is indeed thoughtful, loving to our children, and generally a pleasure to be around. My mother often boasts about having raised a daughter who married a “fantastic man” with a “heart of gold.” How can I possibly ask for a divorce when everything seems fine from the outside?
We don’t argue, he’s not abusive, and I haven’t found someone else—nor am I seeking that. The fundamental issue is that we no longer share a deep connection as partners. Since our youngest began school, I’ve struggled to find work, which has greatly impacted my self-esteem. I feel valued only by my children, and I can’t recall the last time my husband complimented me or acknowledged my worth.
This isn’t because he doesn’t care; rather, it feels like he has stopped making an effort and taken me for granted. We haven’t been intimate in over a year, and at 35, I’m not prepared to endure a lifetime without that aspect of a relationship. I hesitate to express this concern; it makes me feel shallow, as if I’m fixated solely on physical intimacy. What I really crave is affection—someone to hold me, to surprise me with a gentle kiss while I’m cooking, or to simply smile at me in a way that makes me feel special.
Despite our amicable interactions, the dynamic has shifted to that of siblings, and quite frankly, who wants to be married to a brother? Additionally, financial stress looms large. While I have been searching for work that fits our children’s schedules, the rising cost of living keeps us on a tight budget. We can pay our bills and provide for our children, but that’s about it.
My husband often tells me to be content with what we have, and while I appreciate our beautiful children and our home, I yearn for more. I want to afford music lessons for my kids and take them on vacations without stressing about finances. I want to sleep soundly, without lying awake worrying about my job prospects.
I’ve pleaded with my husband to pursue a higher-paying job, but he insists I should also contribute. The part-time job market is saturated, and I’ve submitted countless applications, only to receive few responses. My goal is to build a better life for myself and my children. I don’t want to be the “unhappy mom”; I want my kids to have joyful childhoods. I’m not asking for extravagant gifts; I just don’t want to fret when they wish to attend a camp that’s beyond our means.
I feel trapped, unable to share my feelings with anyone for fear of being perceived poorly. In society, divorce is often stigmatized, especially when a woman initiates it without a clear-cut reason like infidelity or abuse. Why would someone leave a man who appears perfect to the outside world? I fear being labeled selfish and cruel, and I’ve seen friends face harsh judgments for similar decisions.
I despise feeling resigned to my situation. I loathe my inability to muster the courage to forge my own path. I even find myself bitter towards my husband, who, despite being a good man, is not what I need anymore. Recently, I told my daughter to stand up for herself against unkindness. “If they treat you poorly, walk away,” I said. “You deserve positivity in your life.” If only I could take my own advice.
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Summary:
This article explores the internal conflict of a woman contemplating divorce after nearly 12 years of marriage. Despite her husband being a good person and father, she feels disconnected and unfulfilled in their relationship. Financial struggles and a lack of intimacy have contributed to her feelings of inadequacy and resentment. The societal stigma surrounding divorce further complicates her emotions, leaving her feeling trapped and fearful of judgment.