“Excuse me, could I please have a venti caramel macchiato—skim, extra shot, extra hot, extra whip, and sugar-free?” That was the woman ahead of me, making a rather extravagant order. I opted for two kiddie hot chocolates topped with extra whipped cream, delivered in my most polite voice, complete with a smile for the cheerful barista.
Yet, just five minutes later, I found myself snapping at my kids for squabbling over who would get the most whipped cream. It felt wrong to lash out, especially when I had just been polite to a stranger. Why do we reserve our kindness for people we barely know?
When we’re having a tough day, shouldn’t the little warmth we can muster go to our children? Why is it that we wear a cheerful mask in public while unloading our frustrations on our innocent kids at home?
The answer is, unfortunately, simple. We often take our stress out on those closest to us because they’re the safest audience, and we feel less pressure to maintain a composed facade. While venting our frustrations is natural, we need to be more mindful of how it affects our kids.
I’m not suggesting we vent our anger on strangers, but it’s okay to show a little vulnerability. The cashier at the store might not notice if we’re a bit off, while our children will remember every harsh word we say. I recall a time my daughter, Lily, reminded me of the moment I snapped after her fourth outfit veto. “I can’t believe I have a mom who talks to me like that,” she said, illustrating just how deeply our words can cut.
No matter how challenging our day is, our kids deserve our best. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and have only a brief moment to share love and joy, that energy should be directed toward them, not someone we’ll never see again.
Recently, I had an eye-opening experience when I saw an art project Lily created about her feelings. It featured a circle divided into sections for each important person in her life, colored to reflect her emotions. While my section had plenty of joy, it also had a little purple—representing fear. I was taken aback to realize that my daughter felt a degree of fear around me.
Some parents think that instilling fear helps keep their kids in line, but I believe in fostering respect instead. I grew up in an environment that felt unsafe, and I refuse to replicate that for my children. I want to be their safe haven, not a source of anxiety.
When I asked Lily what scared her, she mentioned my yelling. I could have defended my actions, but the important takeaway was that she felt scared. I won’t pretend I’ll never raise my voice again; with four kids, patience is not always easy to come by. Setting boundaries is essential, and sometimes it requires a stern tone. However, I am committed to working on my calmness and hope they will improve their listening skills.
It’s crucial to be aware of how our moods can affect our interactions. When I’m frustrated and one of my kids asks to play a game, my initial response can be grumpy. I need to protect my kids from my bad mood, whether that means putting on a neutral face while running errands or taking a moment for myself to recharge. Maybe I’ll sneak away with a brownie and some calming ocean sounds until I regain my peace—whatever it takes to offer the best version of myself, even on tough days.
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Summary
The author reflects on the importance of being mindful about how we express our emotions, especially towards our children. Acknowledging that we often reserve our kindness for strangers while taking out frustrations on loved ones, she emphasizes the need to direct our energy toward our kids. Through personal anecdotes, she illustrates that every interaction leaves a mark on their emotional well-being. Ultimately, the author aspires to be a safe haven for her children, striving to balance discipline with warmth.