When the topic of kids’ messy spaces comes up in discussions among parents, I find it surprising how many advocate for the same seemingly easy solution: just shut the door. Many parents claim they let their children, especially tweens and teens, keep their rooms and bathrooms however they please. Whether it’s a chaotic pile of dirty laundry, scattered schoolwork, or even a long-forgotten slice of pepperoni pizza hidden under the bed, they insist it’s their child’s domain and their responsibility. They believe that their kids will eventually figure it out, asserting the need to “pick their battles.” I understand that sentiment; parenting can be utterly exhausting, and sometimes other issues feel far more urgent. While parents admit that their kids’ messy rooms cause them stress, they often resign themselves to simply closing the door and ignoring it.
On the surface, this approach seems reasonable. My children learned to tie their shoes without my intervention, eventually picking it up from friends. I certainly don’t micromanage their spaces. However, I refuse to allow either of their rooms to reach a point where I feel compelled to close the door on the mess. Call me strict, but I expect my kids to maintain a generally tidy environment—especially my son.
The reason for my insistence on cleanliness is straightforward: my son will one day be someone’s partner. I don’t want him to perpetuate the stereotype that men cannot recognize or manage messes. I dread the thought of my fatigue leading to his future partner giving me the side-eye because my son clearly wasn’t taught how to maintain a clean space. Many women might have shared a similar frustration about their mother-in-law’s failure to instill housekeeping skills into their sons. Too many boys enter adulthood with no understanding of how to contribute to household upkeep.
It’s important to clarify that my conversations with other parents about messy rooms aren’t solely focused on boys. Any child, regardless of gender, can create chaos in a room. However, when they transition into adulthood—especially in heterosexual relationships—the responsibility for household maintenance often disproportionately falls on women. Studies show that even in dual-income households, women typically handle the majority of domestic chores and childcare.
I don’t want either my daughter or my son to struggle with the basics of cleaning. Sure, they could look up how to do it online, much like I did when I taught myself to change a ceiling fan. However, maintaining a clean space is more about habit than skill; it’s something that needs to be nurtured. To encourage this habit in both my kids, I can’t simply shut the door on their messes.
I find it necessary to supervise, motivate, and enforce logical consequences when they neglect their responsibilities. For me, reminding my kids to tidy their rooms has become as routine as urging them to brush their teeth, shower, or complete their homework.
I don’t advocate for a yelling approach where parents expect cleaning to happen magically. For many children, cleaning isn’t an intuitive task; they often require guidance. My son is one of those kids who needs repeated demonstrations. My daughter, on the other hand, naturally keeps her room tidy, while my 14-year-old son would likely let his room devolve into chaos if it meant he could keep playing video games.
Over the years, I’ve taught him various methods for organizing his space. I’ve helped him make his bed, dust surfaces, sort toys into “keep,” “donate,” and “discard” piles, and clear out outgrown clothing. Now, my only requirement is that he can’t game until his room is clean.
Moreover, I don’t limit these lessons to their personal spaces. Both kids pitch in with family chores, such as folding laundry, washing dishes, vacuuming shared areas, and cleaning windows. These shared responsibilities are essential for living harmoniously with others, and I want my children—especially my son—to learn this lesson early rather than later, potentially causing friction in future relationships.
I recognize that I have strong feelings about this topic. After hearing countless complaints from married women about husbands who were never taught to clean, it’s clear to me that I need to be vigilant in ensuring my son develops good habits. I never want him to be viewed with the same disdain I feel toward partners who refuse to share the burden of household upkeep. My goal is for him to cultivate the habit of maintaining a clean space now, so that his future partner can find annoyance with him for reasons that don’t involve outdated gender roles.