As soon as a woman’s baby bump starts to show, it seems as if the entire world suddenly has something to say—be it advice, questions, or unsolicited opinions. From well-meaning suggestions like, “Make sure you get your sleep in now, because it’ll be a long time before you do again,” to probing inquiries about the baby’s gender or comments about the size of her belly, the barrage is relentless.
While some of these questions may seem harmless, they can also be deeply distressing. Before I understood the emotional weight of discussing a personal experience with strangers, I was just as guilty of engaging in this behavior. That was until my perspective shifted dramatically.
At 20 weeks into my second pregnancy, I learned that my daughter, Lily, had a severe heart defect and was unlikely to survive to birth. The prognosis was grim, and we were left waiting and hoping for 12 agonizing weeks until her premature arrival. My friends and family were aware of our situation and offered their support, but my growing belly didn’t disclose the heartache I was grappling with.
Everywhere I went, I encountered the typical questions. “You must be thrilled!” a cheerful cashier might exclaim. In truth, “thrilled” was the last word I would have used; “terrified” and “devastated” were far more accurate. A fellow expectant mom would ask, “Have you set up the nursery yet? What stroller did you choose?” Meanwhile, I was being told regularly that my bump was enormous, not understanding that this was due to my daughter’s condition resulting in excess amniotic fluid.
I had two options: I could either reveal the painful truth or fake excitement. I attempted honesty once, and the awkwardness that ensued made me decide against it in the future. Instead, I chose to tell people what they wanted to hear. Although pretending to be enthusiastic about my pregnancy felt like an emotional burden, it was less painful than the reactions that accompanied the truth.
After Lily passed away, my body took a long time to recover. My belly remained larger than before, a reminder of my loss. When I ventured out with my toddler, people often mistook my appearance for pregnancy, triggering a slew of inappropriate questions. I occasionally replied candidly with “I’m not pregnant,” which resulted in embarrassment for both parties involved, leaving me wishing for a way to navigate these conversations without encountering such discomfort.
To cope, I reverted to my previous strategy—putting on a façade of excitement. It felt cruel to pretend to be a joyous expectant mother after the loss of my child. However, it was the quickest way to deflect the endless questions I faced. I yearned to share my daughter’s story with those close to me, not with strangers who knew nothing of my pain.
Eventually, I found a more effective solution: I chose to limit my outings. I focused on dieting and attempting to shed my postpartum belly, though it was the last thing on my mind in my state of grief. I understood that in order to leave my home without being questioned about my “pregnancy,” I needed to take action.
Every baby bump has its own story, and while many are joyful, some carry hidden struggles. It’s essential to remember that assumptions can be hurtful. I’ve learned that just as I wouldn’t ask a childless couple why they don’t have children, I will refrain from questioning a pregnant woman’s journey.
So, if you spot me at a coffee shop or a playgroup, I may not comment on your lovely bump. I understand you might be accustomed to such remarks, and I apologize if I come off as indifferent. Know that I’m merely being cautious, as you might not feel the joy that others expect you to. You likely don’t want unsolicited parenting advice or comments about the size of your belly, and unless you choose to share your pregnancy story with me, I recognize it’s not my place to inquire.
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Summary: In this reflective piece, the author shares her personal journey through pregnancy loss and how it changed her perspective on societal norms surrounding inquiries into pregnancies. She advocates for a more sensitive approach to discussing such personal experiences, emphasizing the importance of understanding that every pregnancy has its own unique story.