This might sound like a humble brag, but hear me out. People frequently ask me, “How do you keep your house so tidy with four small kids?” Instead of feeling flattered, I often feel embarrassed. “Don’t be impressed,” I respond. “It’s really just a manifestation of my anxiety disorder.”
My home rarely shows any signs of clutter. Toys aren’t left strewn across floors, art projects don’t linger unfinished, and couch forts are dismantled before they can settle in for the night. Instead of a single, organized end-of-day cleanup, I engage in countless small, inefficient tidying sessions throughout the day. This behavior is driven by my anxiety. Rather than allowing my children the freedom to explore and create, I treat their play space like a meticulously curated gallery. Sometimes, I even interrupt their play to clean up the mess that starts to overwhelm me, stifling their creativity and pulling us away from our shared joyful moments.
Cleaning offers me a sense of control, which is essential for managing my anxiety. Beyond tidying up, I find myself over-managing even the safest activities, consumed by the fear that something terrible could happen. My mind is always racing, scanning for potential dangers, and I can’t help but issue safety commands as my kids play. I recall a moment when my mother and I, alongside my two young sons, stumbled upon a large dirt pile. My three-year-old was thrilled at the thought of climbing it, but I panicked. “What are you worried about?” my mom asked, assuming my concern was about dirt or minor injuries. I responded honestly, “Death. I’m always worried about death.” She was taken aback, unable to comprehend how someone logical could harbor such fears in a seemingly innocuous situation. But that’s how my anxiety operates — it morphs the simplest scenarios into dire threats.
Because of this, I often find myself glued to my phone, constantly checking messages and updating my calendar. My racing thoughts prevent me from relaxing. I’m perpetually “future tripping,” fretting over forgotten tasks and compelled to tick off boxes on my to-do list. In moments when I’m supposed to be enjoying time with my kids, I find my thoughts drifting, pushing me to grab my phone and scroll, attempting to calm my hyperactive mind. Unfortunately, this only fuels my dependency on devices and teaches my kids that my phone takes precedence over them.
I struggle to adopt the “I’ll handle that later” mindset that seems to come naturally to my friends. As a result, interruptions during our activities are a regular occurrence. Whenever an anxious thought arises, I mentally detach from the present moment and rocket-launch into problem-solving mode.
Even when I’m physically present — cheering at a lacrosse game or playing with dolls — my mind races ahead, planning and strategizing. This often leads to frustration and impatience, as I snap at my kids due to my stress and distraction. My thoughts feel like a chaotic pinball machine, and I often feel powerless against my anxious tendencies.
It can be incredibly difficult to savor these fleeting moments of life. I resent my anxiety for pulling my focus away from the laughter and joy of my children and redirecting it toward unfounded fears.
However, I’m making progress. I’m consciously allowing “messes” to remain for a little longer each week, rather than rushing to tidy up as soon as my kids step away. I’m also attempting to leave my phone in another room (while still keeping my Apple Watch on, because change takes time). I’m practicing the “tapping method” suggested by my therapist, which I find challenging but hope to embrace. Most importantly, I’m striving to be aware of when my anxiety is diverting me from precious moments with my kids, so I can implement solutions when necessary. I’m eager to reclaim my happiness and, hopefully, my children feel the same.
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Summary:
The author candidly shares her struggle with anxiety and how it influences her need for a tidy home, impacting her ability to fully enjoy parenting moments. Despite the challenges, she is actively working on allowing messiness and reducing her phone dependency to foster a more present and engaged relationship with her children.