I recently came across an intriguing piece in a prominent publication where the author, Marie Johnson, critiqued the label “single mother by choice,” arguing that it creates an unnecessary hierarchy among single mothers, suggesting that some are more admirable than others. While her argument highlights significant points, it overlooks the diverse experiences of many women. Traditionally, this term has been closely linked to affluent, heterosexual white women who leverage their resources to embrace parenthood independently. This narrow perspective can feel both elitist and exclusionary, particularly erasing the narratives of queer women, women of color, and low-income mothers who also choose this path.
For me, the choice to identify as a single mother by choice is a powerful assertion of my autonomy and reproductive rights, especially in a society that often undermines Black motherhood and, more specifically, Black single motherhood. When I made the decision to become a mother at 33, I was at a pivotal point in my career, leading a significant research initiative at a well-known university. I was acutely aware of the myriad excuses that could have deterred me—career aspirations, financial instability, my apartment’s cramped quarters in New York City, or the absence of a romantic partner. Yet, none of these factors held sway over my resolve.
Before making this life-altering decision, my evenings mainly revolved around socializing with friends at our favorite local haunt, a place we jokingly referred to as the “Southern office.” When I revealed my plans to pursue pregnancy independently during one of our gatherings, the shock was palpable. “Are you sure?” they questioned, to which I confidently affirmed my choice. That night, we raised our glasses in celebration of my decision.
By February 2010, I was pregnant with twins through IVF—a rigorous and expensive process that remains inaccessible for many women facing reproductive challenges, particularly those from marginalized backgrounds. At the reproductive clinic and in my prenatal classes, I often found myself the sole attendee without a partner, surrounded primarily by couples, and rarely encountering other women of color. Despite this, my doctor provided unwavering support, embodying the empowering spirit of “You can do this.”
As my pregnancy progressed, I encountered a well-meaning friend who expressed concern about how I might be perceived as a young, single Black mother. I interpreted this as an implicit nod to the negative stereotypes surrounding Black motherhood—being viewed as irresponsible, uneducated, or reliant on aid. My response was a simple, “No, I’m not worried,” as I genuinely had no interest in societal judgments. My upbringing by a single mother taught me that the prevailing narratives about Black single mothers—whether by choice or necessity—are fundamentally flawed.
People often asked about my husband, assuming a conventional family structure. Queries about whether I would stop working post-babies reflected a broader societal failure to recognize diverse family dynamics. I reveled in the puzzled expressions of those who grappled with my unconventional situation, often leading to awkward apologies, which I met with, “No need for apologies; I’m proud of my choice.”
I identify as a single mother by choice not to distance myself from other single mothers but to challenge dominant narratives about motherhood and who can define it on their own terms. We are all navigating the journey of motherhood together, regardless of our circumstances.
This personal narrative serves as a testament to the power of choice in motherhood. For those interested in exploring options for family formation, resources such as this excellent article on fertility provide valuable insights. And for a practical approach to home insemination, check out this guide, as well as this authority on family formation.
In summary, embracing the identity of a single mother by choice is a powerful act of self-definition and resilience, challenging societal norms and affirming the diverse experiences of women in motherhood.