As my children transitioned into their teenage years, our approach to discipline evolved significantly. Let’s be honest: a 12-year-old looks rather silly sitting in a time-out chair. Instead, we’ve customized our disciplinary methods to align with each child’s unique traits, thoughtfully considering how to transform misbehavior into teachable moments. It’s often said that every child has their own “currency,” and my kids tend to respond better when privileges are revoked or additional chores are assigned rather than enduring long-term consequences. We engage in meaningful discussions about their actions, establishing fair yet firm repercussions that reflect their teenage “offenses.” We don’t believe in keeping past mistakes hanging over their heads, nor do we think that prolonged punishment helps them grasp the concept of consequences in the long run.
This philosophy is why we choose not to ground our children or restrict their social interactions as a form of punishment. Reflecting on my own childhood, I remember eagerly biking to a friend’s house on a hot summer afternoon, hoping for a companion to join me. I vividly recall one occasion when my friend answered with a downcast expression, explaining, “I can’t ride bikes today. I lied to my mom, and now I’m grounded for a week.” As I rode home, I realized that grounding doesn’t just affect the child; it also impacts their friends, leaving them feeling disappointed and isolated.
Today’s children, however, experience a vastly different social landscape. The freedom we had to roam neighborhoods and gather for games has diminished. Instead, many kids find themselves glued to screens, engaging in virtual interactions rather than face-to-face conversations. This shift is precisely why I won’t have my kids announcing they’ve lost all human contact due to a minor misstep.
Regardless of their mistakes, my children will still attend birthday parties or Friday night football games. These rare opportunities to connect with friends are as crucial as completing their math homework. Unlike our generation, which thrived on in-person communication, today’s youth need to cultivate their social skills in environments that are often limited. I want them to experience the thrill of a crush walking into a party or the excitement of a crowd during a game. With their social interactions so infrequent, it makes little sense to take away that time as punishment for misbehavior. Just like practicing music or mastering academic subjects, social skills developed in adolescence are essential. Who wants to be stuck at home with a moody teenager? Certainly not me.
Grounding can also lead to missed responsibilities in team settings or school clubs. Keeping my daughter off the basketball team for sassiness or preventing my son from participating in a school play puts them in a position where they might disappoint their peers. I prefer discussing their misbehavior and assigning consequences that reinforce our family values rather than subjecting them to public embarrassment for common teenage mistakes. Frankly, aside from serious issues like drug use or aggression, I struggle to find any typical teen misbehavior that warrants a week of isolation.
Instead of grounding, my husband and I typically opt to revoke access to social media or a favorite TV show, hoping to foster our teens into becoming well-rounded social individuals. While they are growing up in a different world than ours, it is our responsibility to ensure that our disciplinary actions impart valuable lessons about becoming good people. We want them to understand that we won’t leverage their friendships or social opportunities as a bargaining tool for good behavior. Being a teenager is challenging enough, and now more than ever, kids need their friends. I won’t obstruct their social development.
While I may not enforce grounding, my children are aware of my boundaries. I control access to the iPad, chauffeur them to activities, and manage their social calendars. I might forgo grounding, but I won’t hesitate to cut off their screen time if necessary.
In summary, we have opted for a more thoughtful approach to discipline that fosters social development rather than isolating our children from their peers. Understanding the complexities of today’s social interactions, we focus on consequences that teach rather than punish.
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