It’s that moment when, after detailing your child’s diagnoses, a well-meaning acquaintance responds with, “I had similar issues as a kid, and I turned out fine.” While this sentiment is rooted in kindness, it often feels dismissive, as if to suggest that what you’re worried about isn’t significant. Or it’s the beloved family member reassuring you that everyone learns at their own pace, and you can only nod along, knowing that while it’s true, it doesn’t address your concerns.
These comments can be incredibly invalidating. You start to wonder if you’re overreacting, even though deep down, you often feel like you’re not doing enough. Each week, you take your child to occupational therapy and gymnastics, work with her at home, and tirelessly advocate for speech therapy to be included in her Individualized Education Plan (IEP) at preschool. You attend expert presentations, consult with specialists, and worry over genetic testing. If she’s destined to be alright, you might question the necessity of all this effort. Why invest in therapies, the IEP, and everything else?
My daughter has four diagnoses, none of which are immediately obvious to those untrained. One has been addressed through surgery, another has become more noticeable with age, and two she has learned to navigate. She receives weekly occupational therapy and takes part in physical and speech therapy at school. We’re even considering adding equine therapy to her routine. Her gymnastics class is more than just a fun break; it’s a critical activity that supports her motor skills, balance, and self-regulation.
I have a strong aversion to the term “special needs.” It carries a connotation of fragility and low expectations, something I’ve sensed in others’ pitying glances when the term is used. Having been labeled “special needs” myself growing up, I understand how it can reduce a person to a stereotype. In reality, don’t we all have unique needs? As a parent, I raise each of my children differently, adapting my approach to fit their distinct personalities and challenges. That’s what parenting is about—tailoring your approach to meet each child where they are.
Despite my feelings, I often find myself using the term “special needs” because it’s a familiar shorthand. I’ve realized that while diagnoses can be beneficial, labels often do more harm than good. Unfortunately, the gap between understanding and mislabeling is often too small for people not to leap across.
My daughter—the one labeled as “special needs”—frequently requires a strong and firm approach to guide her. Parenting a child needing extra support can be fraught with self-doubt and frustration, and every decision becomes a source of second-guessing. Is serving her favorite dinner on a specific plate nurturing her needs or teaching her inflexibility? Where do you draw the line between accommodation and enabling? When you decline an outing, do you limit her opportunities or are you simply recognizing her current needs? The struggle for balance is ever-present.
There are also moments of bliss—celebrating the milestones she achieves, no matter how small. I don’t seek admiration; I just want validation. When someone recognizes the difficulty of the journey, it feels uplifting. Connecting with other parents facing similar challenges has been invaluable. They share strategies that I would have never thought of, and I’m eternally grateful for the support from therapists and educators who care deeply for my child.
So, why do I invest so much time in therapies and advocacy? Because I see my child thriving thanks to the resources we’ve made available to her. While she might not be walking or talking in conventional ways, she is developing her own unique strengths. She is learning to navigate the world differently, honing her intuition, and finding her voice even when it’s not clearly expressed.
Our children are not defined by their diagnoses, and neither are we as parents. Please stop trying to comfort us with platitudes; we’re not looking for sympathy. Our kids are exactly who they are meant to be.
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In summary, the term “special needs” carries a weight that often oversimplifies the complexities of parenting a child with unique challenges. While labels may provide some clarity, they can also lead to misunderstanding and low expectations. My own experience shows that each child, including mine, has their own set of strengths and needs, deserving of tailored support rather than a one-size-fits-all label.