Throughout my pregnancies, I often encountered the phrase, “As long as he’s healthy.” Initially, it seemed harmless, but over time, I came to resent it. Typically, it was uttered by acquaintances or strangers during brief conversations. The dialogue would go something like this:
Them: “Oh, when is your baby due?”
Me: “In June.”
Them: “Do you know if it’s a boy or girl?”
Me: “It’s a boy.”
Them: “That’s wonderful! Well, none of that matters, as long as he’s healthy!”
This sentiment puzzled me. Is it really necessary to state the obvious? Of course, I wished for a healthy baby! I took prenatal vitamins, attended all my check-ups, and followed the guidelines (no alcohol, no raw foods, etc.). Was this phrase a way of calling upon the universe for my baby’s well-being? Was it akin to knocking on wood, as if saying “As long as he’s healthy!” could somehow mitigate the risks of complications or loss? Because, let’s face it, anything less than a healthy pregnancy is often viewed as a tragedy.
My own worries were amplified after experiencing a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. My oldest child is a rainbow baby—born after loss—and hearing “As long as he’s healthy” served as a painful reminder of my grief. It highlighted my fears of losing control over the safety of my unborn child.
My second pregnancy had a hopeful start, but my son was born with numerous health challenges due to a virus called Cytomegalovirus (CMV), which I contracted unknowingly. The troubling ultrasound revealed serious issues, and my son’s future was uncertain; doctors were unsure if he would walk or talk. I was heartbroken.
Despite all efforts, life can be unpredictable. Children can arrive with different needs. How do we cope with that reality? Navigating the complexities of my son’s condition filled me with guilt and sadness. I felt like I had failed him. Communicating my struggles to friends and family was daunting; I didn’t want to burden them or strain our relationships. Yet, I had to manage the intense emotions of caring for a toddler and a newborn.
Now, my son is eight and a remarkable young boy. After years of therapy, I’ve worked through my feelings about his birth and the changes it brought. I’ve learned to advocate for both his needs and my own, understanding that how I approach our relationship sets a precedent for others. I’ve also found the importance of self-care and taking breaks when necessary.
I share my story openly, and it has created connections with others facing similar challenges. Friends have reached out when their children were diagnosed with conditions like dyslexia or attention deficit disorder (ADD), seeking a listening ear from someone who understands. I wish it didn’t feel so taboo to discuss these difficult journeys.
While I’ve mostly let go of the guilt I carried, hearing someone casually say, “as long as he’s healthy!” can still evoke those old feelings. I often want to ask, “What if he’s not? What if life leads us down an unexpected path? Is that still okay?” It must be, or else how do we move forward? Pregnancy and parenting often lie beyond our control, and our responses to these challenges define us.
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In summary, the phrase “As long as he’s healthy” oversimplifies the complexities of pregnancy and parenthood. It can unintentionally evoke feelings of anxiety, especially for those who have faced challenges. As we navigate the unpredictable journey of parenthood, it’s vital to acknowledge and support one another in all circumstances.