Four years ago, I felt as if my very essence had been torn away from me—emotionally and physically. It was a time similar to now—warm and breezy, with the promise of autumn festivities ahead. While others buzzed with excitement for the upcoming football season, I lay in bed, paralyzed by tears and anxiety. My thoughts spiraled into a dark place, consumed by fears that if this procedure failed, I would never know the joys of motherhood. The prospect of Kevin never experiencing fatherhood haunted me. The worst part? I felt responsible. Had I not done enough? Was my lifestyle to blame? Was it my technique in administering the medication? Were my eggs even viable?
The weight of my worries was immense. Despite my faith as a Christian, which teaches us that “tomorrow will worry for itself,” I was enveloped in anxiety. I had a plan that I desperately needed to succeed. God, in my belief, would only give me challenges that I could manage—or perhaps challenges He could help me navigate.
I remember the date clearly; it was Labor Day weekend, and my cousin was set to deliver her baby girl the following week. I feared that if I received a negative test result, I would be unable to face the joyous occasion at the hospital. Miraculously, that week, I shared the news of my pregnancy—an experience I had long yearned for but never thought possible.
Undergoing IVF
Undergoing in vitro fertilization (IVF) is not for the faint of heart. For anyone considering or who has gone through it, strength is a necessity. I recall many ultrasounds where I would break down, questioning why I was enduring this. With each check-up to assess my egg development, I was reminded of my past fears of needles. But after weeks of being poked and prodded, I could prepare my vein before the nurse even entered the room.
Initially, Kevin and I kept our struggles private, confiding in only a few people. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that my body wasn’t functioning as it should. Keeping it a secret, however, proved mentally exhausting. It distanced us socially, forcing me to concoct excuses to avoid gatherings. Ironically, this secrecy did draw us closer as a couple, as we leaned on each other during this isolating time. I often found myself home alone, feeling unwell and battling depression, not wanting to share my pain with others for fear of uncomfortable conversations if things didn’t go as hoped.
But it did work out; we welcomed twin boys in April 2014—a true blessing. Even after our miracle, I was hesitant to openly discuss our infertility journey. I still felt the sting of embarrassment and was not prepared for the inevitable questions. We often faced queries like, “Do twins run in your family?” or worse, remarks from acquaintances that made my blood boil.
Understanding Fertility Challenges
It’s crucial to recognize that those unfamiliar with fertility challenges may not know what to say. If you find yourself questioning whether a comment is appropriate, it’s best to refrain from saying anything. This applies to everyone in your life, from friends to family members.
As I prepared for another round of IVF, I felt more like a warrior. I took charge, administering my own shots and scheduling my appointments, often with help from others. My priorities shifted; I needed to navigate this process for the sake of my boys and Kevin, who worked long hours. This time, I opened up to others and sought the support we desperately needed.
During the IVF process, the doctor asked how many eggs we wanted to implant. Kevin initially insisted on one, but as the date approached, he changed his mind to two. Six weeks later, at our ultrasound, we were greeted with the news that I was carrying twins again. The silence on the drive home was palpable, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.
Reaching Out for Support
If you or someone you know is grappling with infertility, please reach out. I wish I had someone to confide in during my journey; it may have made the process easier. Remember, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you—this is your journey, and you can navigate it successfully. While I can’t promise to make everything better, I’m here to offer support.
For more information on fertility, you can check out Make a Mom, which offers helpful resources. Additionally, March of Dimes is an excellent resource for those considering fertility treatments, and for postpartum support, visit Intracervical Insemination.
Conclusion
In summary, my experience with infertility was a journey of struggle and resilience. The decision to speak out about my challenges has been liberating, and I hope my story can provide comfort to others facing similar battles.