As I settled in at my desk to kick off my workday, a text from my son popped up: “Mom, can you bring my homework folder to school? I left it on the table.” Sure enough, there it was—his trusty black accordion folder, which held everything needed for his middle school life.
I couldn’t help but let out a groan. While delivering his forgotten folder wasn’t a monumental task—considering we live just 5-10 minutes from school and I work from home—it was still a nuisance. More importantly, doing so meant I would be defying the fundamental rule established by parenting experts: let kids face the consequences of their mistakes. This includes forgetting a lunch bag, missing an assignment, or in this case, leaving behind a crucial homework folder.
In my mind, I could hear the experts chiding me. They’d insist that this is how he learns. By rushing to deliver his folder, I would only be reinforcing an entitlement mindset, much like a “lawnmower parent” who clears obstacles from their child’s path.
But I decided to take him his folder, and here’s my reasoning.
I helped him because I could. It was a simple favor that required little effort on my part. There will be many instances when I won’t be able to assist him—like when he fails a test or doesn’t make the basketball team—and he must learn to cope with those outcomes. I fully believe in the value of experiencing the consequences of one’s actions. After all, dealing with minor setbacks is essential for mastering bigger challenges later. However, in this particular case, I felt it was appropriate to lend a hand.
More importantly, I broke the expert rule because I believed that the message I conveyed by bringing him his folder was far more significant than the lesson he might have learned by not receiving it.
Sure, if I hadn’t brought the folder, he might have faced some minor consequences: late assignments, awkward explanations to teachers, and a bit of embarrassment. He might have learned a lesson about responsibility. But at 13, he’s still a work in progress, and I hoped he would grasp something deeper by my action.
By delivering his schoolwork, I wanted him to understand that he can rely on his parents during tough moments, that it’s okay to ask for help, and that we all make mistakes. He had been feeling a bit down lately, and it struck me as unfair to add to his stress just for the sake of a lesson. While tough love can be effective, there are times when compassion is far more valuable.
So, I hopped in the car and delivered the all-important homework folder, tuning out the mental voices of parenting experts. Sometimes, parenting requires following your instincts and your heart, rather than sticking rigidly to advice—even if it’s technically sound.
Our children are not machines, and while I believe in allowing them to experience failure in many situations, I also recognize that they need empathy and support at times. Yes, my son did forget his homework again, and, yes, I drove it to school again. But through these experiences, he’s learning that he can depend on us, not all the time, but when we’re able to.
I don’t shy away from letting my kids face consequences in various scenarios, but a forgotten folder didn’t seem like one of those moments.
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In summary, while there are times for tough love, there are also moments when showing grace and compassion can be just as important. Each situation is unique, and as parents, we must navigate these waters with both our hearts and minds.