“Am I really a good mom?” I asked my partner, my voice trembling as tears threatened to spill. I knew what he would say, but hearing it out loud brought me comfort.
“Absolutely! You’re an amazing mom,” he replied, sitting beside me at the kitchen counter. “What’s going on?”
What’s going on? The same old story! “I ask our little girl to do simple things—like put on her shoes, tidy up her toys, or eat something other than Goldfish crackers—and she just ignores me. I repeat myself, growing more frustrated, until I lose it and start yelling…” My voice faltered, and the tears streamed down my cheeks. “I CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE HER MOM!”
There it was, the overwhelming feeling I had been battling for months, if not years. Despite poring over every parenting book I could get my hands on, nothing seemed to improve my relationship with my 5-year-old.
I realized I had to make a change because I didn’t like the version of myself I was becoming: a mom who yelled and threatened too much, counting down the hours until bedtime. It had even crossed my mind to question whether I was suitable for parenting.
My partner offered his support, but given his long work hours, most of the daily parenting tasks fell on my shoulders. That night, I found myself at my computer long after everyone else had gone to bed, searching for answers. Was I not providing enough positive reinforcement? Or was I offering too much? Perhaps my expectations were unrealistic for a 5-year-old? Every article I read seemed to contradict the last, leaving me even more bewildered.
Then it struck me: I was ill-equipped to handle the challenges in my relationship with my daughter. Just because I had read a bunch of parenting books didn’t mean I was an expert on her.
I needed help, and I knew it wouldn’t come from a book, a podcast, or even a well-meaning friend. What I needed was personalized guidance from a professional. So, I typed “Local Parent-Child Counselors” into Google, and bingo!
Not only were there numerous options for family counselors in my town, but I also found testimonials from parents who, like me, sought effective tools to strengthen their relationships with their children. I scheduled my first appointment for the following week.
Now, I won’t claim to have found a miracle cure. Even after several sessions, my daughter and I are still learning to communicate better. However, we are finally starting to truly listen to each other, which is a significant step forward.
One technique we recently practiced is called Whole Body Listening (WBL), developed by speech-language pathologist Susanne Marie Poulette. This method encourages active listening using not just the ears but also the eyes (by making eye contact), hands (by keeping them still), feet (by planting them on the ground), and mouth (by staying quiet). Many parents mistakenly believe listening comes naturally to children when, in fact, it’s a skill that needs to be taught. In her book, Whole-Body Listening: Developing Active Auditory Skills, Poulette explains that these activities are designed to help kids learn how to process spoken messages better.
Previously, I expected my daughter to listen even when her focus was elsewhere. I never thought to ask her to “look at me” when I spoke or to “pause what you’re doing so you can hear me.” And then I’d get frustrated when I had to repeat myself. Now I realize, she wasn’t really hearing me.
People often ask me why I take my 5-year-old to counseling. “Isn’t she too young for that?” they wonder. The answer is a firm “No.” There’s no such thing as being too young to learn communication skills. These lessons will benefit my daughter—and our whole family—well into the future.
So, if you’re feeling like parenting books aren’t helping you, I encourage you to consider counseling. It has made a world of difference for us. Parenting is undoubtedly challenging, but with a little professional guidance, it can become a bit easier.
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In summary, seeking help through counseling has been a pivotal step for my family. It’s a path worth considering if you’re facing similar challenges.