If I were to offer guidance to a woman thinking about conceiving through in vitro fertilization using a donor egg, my advice would be to conduct some research, but not excessively. Explore a few blogs on the topic, but don’t drown in an ocean of differing opinions. Focus on one issue, find two contrasting viewpoints, and then allow your mind to process what you’ve learned without getting overwhelmed.
When I first considered having a child with another woman’s genetics, one of my primary fears was whether I would truly bond with that baby. I did some reading and came across a quote from actress Hannah Blake, who said, “When a woman is older, they often use donor eggs, which doesn’t make the child any less beautiful or perfect.” Although she never confirmed using a donor, her words provided me with some comfort. I also read a blog post from a woman who said, “Why do we think our genetics are superior? Perhaps I’m doing my children a favor by using borrowed genes.”
However, I encountered a contrasting blog from a woman who struggled to connect with her baby conceived from a donor egg. She expressed that she often saw the donor’s likeness in her child’s face. It’s been four years since I read that, but I recently reflected on how my mind processed that information. When I received photos of the donor we ultimately selected, I glanced at them briefly, acknowledged their presence, and then tucked them away, never to revisit.
Now, when I look into the eyes of my three wonderful children conceived with that donor’s assistance, I don’t see the traits they share with her. Instead, I see my husband, and I see my kids. I even catch glimpses of myself in them.
After all, our DNA mingled in my womb. During pregnancy in mammals, a process known as fetal-maternal microchimerism occurs, where mother and fetus exchange DNA and cells. A study focusing on women who passed away in their seventies revealed that over half of them had male DNA present in their brains—likely from when their sons were developing in utero. Male DNA has also been found in blood samples of women. This exchange highlights that not only do fetal cells exist within the mother, but maternal cells can also be found within the fetus.
I recognize that every mother’s experience with donor eggs is unique. I had the benefit of having one biological child, which I could compare to my experience with my children conceived through donor eggs. Is there a difference in my feelings toward my oldest son versus his younger siblings? Yes, there is.
The most significant difference lies in the genetic reflection my oldest son presents, where I can see aspects of myself. Even though he doesn’t resemble me much, many of his behaviors and traits feel familiar. I instinctively understand some of his more challenging moods because I have experienced similar ones myself. I know when to nurture certain interests because they align with my own.
My interactions with my two daughters and youngest son are different. While the genetic mirror is absent, I share a deep appreciation for their individuality, which often surpasses my own abilities. My three-year-old daughter is exceptionally clever and gifted with language. She is also incredibly physically adept. Her younger brother is a dynamo, able to maintain eye contact without flinching. Their sister is the sweetest little firecracker I’ve ever known, sharp and observant.
With my oldest son, I feel a sense of possessiveness. But with my other three children, it’s more about tender respect and immense gratitude. I feel incredibly fortunate to be their mother, guiding them as they grow and participating in their extraordinary lives.
Moreover, I still share an intimate connection with my youngest children, akin to the natural bond that all humans have with one another. My oldest daughter has a rebellious spirit, not out of malice, but in a way that brings her vibrancy. I understand that. My youngest daughter craves affection, and I get that too. My youngest son has a penchant for destruction; he finds joy in it and looks to his parents for validation. Absolutely, I understand that.
In the early days when we had two children—one biological and one not—I sometimes worried about my connection with my daughter, the younger child. I often referred to the egg donor as her “biological mother,” but felt uneasy with that term. I realized that my daughter grew within me, and without me, she wouldn’t exist. I began referring to the donor as “the egg donor.” Language matters.
Now that my daughter is older, and with the addition of two more children from the embryos created during our first IVF attempt, I no longer feel the need for reassurance. I am their mother, and only I—and my husband—can provide the love, understanding, cuddles, and guidance they require. There is no difference in the love I feel for my biological child and my other children. My love for them all is profound and equal.
While I don’t see the egg donor’s likeness in my children’s faces, I do believe her character shines through in their personalities. According to the fertility clinic’s donor coordinators, her primary motivation was to help others. They described her as lively, witty, and full of energy. I can sense her generosity, humor, and intellect in my children as they grow.
Every single one of my pregnancies, despite the challenges of being in my forties, was filled with joyful anticipation. Each delivery was the most rewarding experience of my life. Holding all four of my babies close in the hospital was more sacred than any religious ceremony. Now, with four children under five, life is hectic, but it’s more enriching and rewarding than I ever envisioned.
During my single years, I never realized that having children gives you as much—or even more—than you give. Each of my four children, regardless of genetic ties, teaches me something new. They love me unconditionally, and I can no longer ignore my frustrations, anger, or anxiety, as they affect my relationship with them. My joy has multiplied exponentially, and my overall happiness is a sweet contentment. To me, my children are four of the most beautiful creations on this planet.
In Conclusion
If you find yourself unable to conceive using your own eggs, I firmly believe you should consider either adoption or IVF with donor eggs. The benefits far outweigh any costs. And when you’re snuggling your baby at night, you’ll find yourself grateful for the immeasurable blessings in your life.
So, to any woman contemplating egg donation, do your research, but stop before anyone else’s negative views tarnish your hopeful outlook on your own possibilities. Equipped with the knowledge you have, embrace the wonders of modern science and move forward with confidence. Life’s most precious experiences are waiting for you.
Summary
In this article, the author shares her journey of changing her perspective on donor eggs while navigating motherhood. She reflects on her initial concerns about bonding with a child conceived from a donor egg and explores the unique experiences of motherhood with her biological and donor-conceived children. The author emphasizes the importance of language, the deep connections formed with her children, and the enriching experiences that come with motherhood, regardless of genetic ties. She encourages women considering egg donation to research thoughtfully and to embrace the possibilities that modern science offers.