When my daughter, Lila, turned two, she began to resemble a miniature version of her father, radiating a stunning beauty that captivated me. Her hair cascades in a delightful, slightly off-center part, showcasing her natural curls that remain intact at the ends. Perhaps it’s a maternal instinct, but every time I gaze at her, I’m overwhelmed with affection—though I certainly won’t act on that instinct, as the saying goes, “you can’t eat your children.”
I suspect many mothers share this overwhelming love for their little ones, who are biologically designed to be irresistibly cute. In those challenging moments—like when they throw themselves to the ground in frustration over a yogurt choice or engage in some other toddler tantrum—we instinctively want to protect them. We want to cherish and preserve these delightful beings.
Given this universal sentiment, how do we navigate the conversation around beauty? With my son, I found it straightforward. I occasionally referred to him as my “handsome little man,” and that was that. But with Lila, I hesitate. I often say, “You are so beautiful!” but feel compelled to add, “And smart… and funny! You’re all of those things!”
This uncertainty stems from our society’s tendency to objectify women from a very young age, with influences like bows, dolls, and an obsession with princess culture. The pressure to conform to beauty standards looms large, and I find myself wrestling with the implications of emphasizing beauty alone, which can feel superficial.
I believe that beauty in isolation is ultimately uninteresting. While I appreciate beauty, I value qualities like humor, creativity, and intelligence far more. These traits contribute to a person’s depth of character and can be cultivated over time. By highlighting Lila’s talents, I can nurture her growth and encourage her to shine in ways that matter. In contrast, beauty is often seen as an unchangeable trait, one that society too frequently emphasizes as paramount.
Moreover, I recognize that beauty is fleeting. I worry that if I focus solely on Lila’s appearance, she may grow up valuing it above all else. I’ve seen the lengths people go to maintain a youthful appearance, but I’ve also come to understand the true beauty in aging—wisdom, love, and kindness. The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who are kind and empathetic, traits that require effort and intention. As Roald Dahl once said, “Kindness is my number one attribute in a human being.” Unlike beauty, which can fade, kindness has no limits and can be cultivated by anyone.
In my experience, confident people often radiate attractiveness, regardless of conventional beauty standards. When I think back to my childhood crushes, it was their confidence that left a lasting impression, rather than their physical appearance.
Thus, my approach with Lila is simple: I want her to develop confidence and character. She receives plenty of compliments about her beauty from family and strangers alike, so I allow them to affirm that part of her. I aim to focus on her intelligence, creativity, and kindness, celebrating those attributes that truly define her character. I hope that one day she embraces a broader understanding of beauty.
In short, my goal is to fan the flames of her unique qualities, helping her recognize that while beauty is a nice compliment, attributes like kindness and intelligence are what truly make a person shine.
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Summary: In this article, I explore the complexities of complimenting my daughter on her beauty while wanting to emphasize her intelligence, creativity, and kindness. I argue that while beauty is often celebrated, it is the qualities that can be cultivated over time that truly define a person’s character and lasting impact.