Updated: July 27, 2016
Originally Published: November 9, 2015
My eldest child, Jake, possesses remarkable negotiation skills. From the moment he uttered his first word, he has been engaged in discussions over bedtime, the number of TV shows he can watch, and how many chocolate chip cookies he should be allowed. Over time, I realized that for him, it wasn’t merely about securing an extra episode of his favorite show or indulging in a seventh cookie; the real prize was the feeling of victory.
As adults, it’s easy to glorify childhood, forgetting the limited control we had over our own lives. It must be incredibly frustrating for a capable, somewhat rebellious kid like Jake to have decisions made for him—everything from his schedule to his meals. Instead of stifling his desire for autonomy, I choose to let him win occasionally. Not every time (I will firmly stand my ground at cookie number eight), but frequently enough that he has developed a solid sense of self and excellent negotiation skills. Now that he’s nearly 12, I grant him even more authority over his choices, as he is mature enough to recognize that poor decisions often carry inherent consequences. As time progresses, I find myself relying less on punishments and more on, admittedly, a few self-satisfied smiles.
Here are eight instances from this week where I let Jake “win”:
- I didn’t insist he eat breakfast. This has been a continuous struggle, with him claiming he dislikes everything I offer. Instead of pushing, I chose to let it go. When he returned from school feeling miserable and hungry, he made his own cereal the next day.
- I allowed him to go without a jacket or umbrella on a rainy day. He got drenched, and while I tried not to laugh, it was a challenge.
- I permitted him to indulge in computer games after school before completing his homework. He lost track of time and ended up staying up late to finish. The next day, he opted to tackle his homework immediately after school. I could feel the “I told you so” thoughts bouncing around in my head.
- I let him spend his own $40 on a flimsy remote-controlled helicopter, despite the negative reviews we had read. It broke within an hour, and though I felt for him, I refrained from replacing his money.
- I didn’t force him to clean his room, which resulted in him losing a library book, two pairs of his favorite pants, and $3. When he eventually found the library books, he had to use the $3—found in his lost pants—to cover the late fees.
- I decided not to enforce his chores of taking out the trash and washing the dishes. I didn’t do them either, leading to a dinner of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches served on napkins next to an overflowing trash can while I savored my takeout sushi with a suppressed grin.
- I allowed him to hang on the dog gate, despite my warnings that it would break. Eventually, it did, and the dog got upstairs and chewed up five of his favorite baseball cards. I had to suppress my urge to lecture him.
- I didn’t make him hug me in front of his friends at the bus stop on his first day of school. I wasn’t smirking then; in fact, I had to wipe away a few tears. However, when he waved at me from the “cool section” at the back of the bus, my heart did a little victory dance.
The reality is that our children won’t be with us forever. While raising them to be obedient might ease those years at home, teaching them about the natural consequences of their choices will prepare them for life. Of course, there are still times when I enforce rules (that eighth cookie will never be his!). Nevertheless, I strive to let him win whenever possible—even when those victories lead to lessons learned through loss.
For more insights on parenting and choices, check out this post on home insemination kits. If you’re interested in the broader implications of choices, this site offers authoritative information on the subject. Additionally, for those considering their own family journeys, Cleveland Clinic is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, allowing children to experience the outcomes of their decisions fosters independence and self-awareness, which are essential traits for adulthood.