Parenting
By: Jamie Thompson
Updated: November 13, 2020
Originally Published: November 13, 2020
Photo by Erik Von Weber/Getty
This morning, I completely lost it. There was shouting, tears, and then came the guilt for losing my cool. But you know what? My kids actually completed their chores. They picked up their clothes, cleaned the cups and bowls that were growing mold on their bedroom floor, tidied the bathroom, and vacuumed the living room. In short, they did what they were supposed to do in the first place.
These chores aren’t a surprise; my kids are well aware of what needs to be done. It’s all laid out for them, and the tasks rarely change. So why does it take me transforming into a raging volcano for them to actually pay attention?
I’ve tried numerous approaches. We use an app to track their chores, I provide firm reminders, and we even impose consequences like taking away their phones (my partner is much better at this than I am). So, why does it always come down to me losing my temper before anything gets done?
The pattern is becoming all too familiar: Ask the kids to do something. They ignore me. Ask them fifteen more times. Still, they ignore me. Finally, I lose my cool, and then they listen. I feel awful afterward, and the cycle repeats.
I wish I could claim that it’s only my children, but I don’t even listen to myself. I know I need to practice self-care. I should meditate, turn off the news, and stop doomscrolling. Yet, it took a full-blown emotional meltdown about a month ago for me to recognize that I need to take action instead of just reminding myself. After sobbing for an entire day, I finally paid attention to my own needs. I returned to therapy, downloaded a meditation app, and reduced my social media and news consumption.
But it shouldn’t have taken a full emotional breakdown for me to listen to myself. Just like it shouldn’t require me to go all Clark Griswold on Christmas Eve for my kids to pick up their clothes, finish their homework, and load the dishwasher.
I understand the “love and logic” approach to parenting. I’ve heard plenty of advice about the importance of boundaries and consequences. But somehow, between knowing and doing, everything falls apart.
How can we escape this exhausting cycle? I’d love to just say something once and have it be heard. Yet, I apparently don’t even listen to myself. Maybe it’s the fatigue from our never-ending pandemic life, combined with the weariness from constantly repeating myself. We’re exhausted from reminding them not to act like slobs, to pick up their clothes, put the toilet seat down, and put their phones away.
I realize I sound like the wah-wah-wah teacher from Charlie Brown. Honestly, I’m even irritating myself, and I’m completely over it. But if I don’t remind everyone of everything, will anything get accomplished? Will dirty dishes sprout legs? Will crusty toothpaste in the bathroom sink become solid? More importantly, if my kids don’t learn to clean up after themselves now, will they turn into messy, lazy adults?
It’s incredibly frustrating. I don’t want to nag; it feels awful. Yet if I don’t occasionally lose my patience, things spiral out of control. I refuse to let my kids become privileged individuals who don’t clean up after themselves. Plus, I’m sick of the crumbs, dirty clothes, and crusty plates. Seriously, where do all the spoons go?!
I don’t have a solution. I suppose I could improve my handling of boundaries and consequences, but that’s a challenge for me. Losing my temper comes more naturally.
Sigh… Perhaps one day things will change. Maybe my kids will eventually learn to use that chore app we all downloaded. Maybe they’ll pick up their dirty socks without needing to be asked, or submit their homework on time without a million reminders. Maybe I’ll get better at setting boundaries and consequences. Maybe.
For now, I’ll continue nagging and occasionally losing my temper. That means I’ll also be here forgiving myself—and my kids—for being imperfect works in progress. If you want to read more about related topics, check out this other blog post.
Related Topics
- The challenges of parenting during a pandemic
- Setting boundaries and consequences with children
- The importance of self-care for parents
- Effective tools for managing household chores
- Understanding the impact of emotional well-being on parenting
In summary, navigating parenting often feels like a never-ending cycle of reminders and frustration. The struggle to get kids to listen can lead to emotional outbursts, which are counterproductive. While it’s essential to establish boundaries and consequences, the reality is that sometimes we all fall short. The hope is that one day, our kids will learn to take responsibility without constant prompting, and we’ll find a better balance between guidance and self-care.