I have a 5-year-old son named Lucas who gets easily frustrated. He loves to build elaborate structures with his blocks and Lego pieces, dreaming up designs that weave around the living room and even climb up the sofa. I usually let him tackle these projects on his own since I’m not much of a builder myself. My role typically revolves around reading stories and dishing out ice cream. However, it’s not long before I hear some whining from the living room, followed by a dramatic crash and Lucas storming off in frustration. A few tears often accompany these moments, making it a familiar scene in our home.
What intrigues me is that Lucas almost always returns to his project after a short break. He deals with disappointment in a manner similar to my partner, Mark: a quick outburst or some stomping, followed by a temporary pause from the task at hand. For Mark, this timeout often includes a rant about how he could have avoided the mishap if he had known about the necessary tools in advance. Yet, they both usually come back to their projects, sometimes on the same day, sometimes weeks later. They might feel annoyed, but they don’t seem to internalize it. For them, failure doesn’t equate to personal inadequacy; it’s just part of the process.
I often wonder if I had daughters, would their reactions differ? Personally, I have always been quick to give up, feeling defeated by even minor setbacks. For me, failing at a task feels like a commentary on my self-worth. If my bridge collapses, it signals that I lack the skills to succeed, which can make me feel foolish. I would likely shy away from future attempts, retreating to safer activities like reading—where failure seems less likely.
Rachel Simmons discusses these gender differences in her article for Time, noting that girls often experience a more profound sense of failure than boys. In her view, when girls encounter obstacles, they are more inclined to perceive these setbacks as indicative of their abilities—something much harder for them to change. Conversely, boys often attribute their failures to external factors, which they can manage more easily. This discrepancy is partly due to the type of feedback girls receive in educational settings, which tends to highlight their intrinsic abilities (or lack thereof) rather than offering constructive criticism.
Simmons also points out another compelling reason that resonates with me: Girls are often socialized to seek approval from others, making failure and the disappointment of parents or teachers hit much harder than it does for boys. Genuine success hinges on tapping into intrinsic motivation rather than pursuing external validation. Research, including studies by Alfie Kohn, underscores this point. Children need to be driven by their own interests and satisfaction, not merely by praise or awards.
Girls may be more attuned to external feedback, which can cloud their understanding of their own desires and goals. Boys, on the other hand, may have the freedom to engage in their projects without the nagging voice of self-doubt.
While I do praise Lucas for his efforts, aiming to encourage his perseverance rather than focusing solely on his abilities, I find myself reflecting on my own tendency to quit. I could benefit from nurturing my intrinsic motivation, which I plan to explore just as soon as I finish the book I’m currently engrossed in.
For those interested in exploring more about the journey of artificial insemination, check out our related post on couples’ fertility journeys. If you’re seeking wellness services related to this topic, visit this authority on wellness. And for a thorough understanding of the IVF process, this resource is invaluable.
In summary, the way boys and girls handle failure can be markedly different, influenced by socialization and the type of feedback they receive. While boys often see failure as a temporary setback, girls may internalize it as a reflection of their abilities. Encouraging resilience and intrinsic motivation is crucial for both genders.