Expert Advice: How Much Hair Autonomy Should Kids Have? A Lot, Says One Therapist
Bright colors? Bold styles? Here’s why you should let your child have some freedom with their hair choices.
Written by Jamie Turner
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: June 10, 2022
Allowing your children to express themselves through their appearance is one of the most rewarding gifts you can give as a parent, albeit one that can be challenging to implement. It can be particularly daunting when your child expresses a desire for a radical hairstyle, like dyeing their hair a vibrant color or opting for a dramatic cut. You might worry whether they will actually enjoy a transition from long locks to a short bob or how peers will react to their new look. However, Dr. Emily Carter, a mental health professional and founder of The Wellness Center, advocates for granting your child full control over their hair decisions. Why is this crucial? Hair serves as a significant means of self-expression and, at times, a way for children to explore their identity. Moreover, hair is merely hair, and if your child dislikes their new style, they can always change it back. It will eventually grow back, too. This balance is vital for nurturing your child’s sense of identity, Dr. Carter suggests.
The Role of Hair Autonomy in Shaping Identity
“Hair is a fundamental aspect of a child’s identity and self-perception,” explains Dr. Carter. “Allowing them autonomy over their hair fosters freedom of expression, representation, and respect. As parents, we aim to nurture children in a loving and accepting environment, helping them develop into confident individuals who embrace their authenticity. Even something as simple as allowing your child to select their hairstyle can lay the groundwork for this growth. By doing so, you demonstrate trust in their choices, unconditional acceptance, and support for their unique self-expression. Encouraging exploration beyond traditional gender norms enables children to discover who they are, rather than conforming to societal expectations.”
If you’re uncertain about when to start providing this freedom, Dr. Carter suggests that children as young as three or four can begin to have a say in their hair choices. Of course, this doesn’t mean handing them scissors, but it’s a good time to start offering some options for their hairstyles.
Parents can take gradual steps, especially with younger children, says Dr. Carter: “I recommend providing various pictures and styles for your child to choose from. As they age, their control can increase, but the options should reflect their desires. If a child wants a short haircut but the choices presented are exclusively for long hair, that doesn’t meet their needs. Involving your child in these decisions conveys deeper messages about consent, boundaries, and body autonomy, allowing them ownership of how they wish to express themselves.”
Addressing Implicit Biases Surrounding Hair
Despite good intentions, parents may grapple with inherent biases shaped by societal norms surrounding gender and race. “It’s crucial to reflect on and challenge these biases as part of a healthy process of deconstructing ingrained ideas about presentation,” notes Dr. Carter. She advises parents to examine their own beliefs about gender, especially when navigating how to support their child’s self-expression regarding hair, clothing, and makeup. Gender cannot be dictated by others; it is influenced by the messages and imagery surrounding us. Understanding the origins of these beliefs can help parents navigate the rigid, binary notions of masculinity and femininity that society often enforces.
Even seemingly harmless comments about a child’s hair—yes, including body hair—can have lasting effects, particularly for those exploring their gender identity. “Attempting to control or influence your child’s hairstyle can send invalidating messages,” warns Dr. Carter. “For transgender and gender-nonconforming youth, this pressure can lead to feelings of gender dysphoria. Reflect on the implications of pushing a child toward conformity rather than embracing their true selves.”
Supporting Your Child’s Choices
Fortunately, parents possess the tools to positively influence their child’s identity development. “Support your child’s styling decisions by displaying affirmation,” advises Dr. Carter. “Parents often worry about potential bullying, which is understandable. It’s important to set boundaries regarding comments from family and friends that may stem from ignorance. Additionally, consider finding a salon that is sensitive to gender diversity. Some children may prefer assistance in discussing their hairstyle with the stylist, while others might feel empowered to handle it independently. Open communication and active listening are vital for fostering their autonomy and confidence.”
“In essence, providing children with the freedom to celebrate their individuality is crucial for their development,” emphasizes Dr. Carter. “Given that hair is closely tied to aspects of race, gender, and self-expression, allowing autonomy in these decisions strengthens the parent-child relationship and fosters acceptance as they explore their identities.”
For more insights, check out this other blog post on related topics.
Summary
Empowering children to make their own hair choices is essential for their identity development and self-expression. By allowing them autonomy over their hairstyles, parents can model acceptance and trust, encouraging confidence and authenticity. Recognizing and addressing implicit biases is also crucial in supporting children’s exploration of gender and identity. Open communication and supportive environments can help children feel secure in their choices.