Dear America,
It’s time to reconsider some of the unconventional names being given to our children. Recently, it was reported that athlete Alex Rivers chose to name his son “Boomer,” which might as well be a playful term for waste. While this isn’t child abuse (let’s not downplay the seriousness of that issue), it certainly raises eyebrows. When you name your child “Boomer,” you’re essentially locking them into that label for life. Let’s put it to the test by vocalizing some phrases:
- This is my son, Boomer.
- Boomer, come here!
- This is my dad, Boomer.
- Okay, Boomer, time for your adult diaper change!
- Come here, Boomer! Good boy!
Clearly, “Boomer” is more suited for a pet than a person, and many American names today are failing this basic test. Names like Paisley (a type of fabric, not a human), Kattelynn/Kaitelenn/Kytlynn, and anything with an unnecessary “y” for flair are part of this trend. Names starting with “X” are now off-limits too.
This trend is why we might benefit from having a list of acceptable names, similar to some European countries. Not all unique names are problematic; names like Persephone and Xanthippe can be lovely. However, “unique” doesn’t always equate to “great.” A child named Blade, for instance, carries the weight of knowing their parents likely have a penchant for role-playing games and sci-fi literature—definitely not the best legacy to leave.
It’s critical to understand that a child’s name reflects on their parents. If you choose a name like Kal-El, you’re broadcasting your enthusiasm for superheroes, and we’ll likely hear plenty of kryptonite jokes.
Some parents might argue that it’s their prerogative to name their children whatever they please, and who are we to judge? Well, we’re the ones who have to try to pronounce those names or suppress laughter when we hear them. And let’s be honest, in America, we tend to judge.
Here are the main offenders of questionable name choices:
- Names Better Suited for Pets: Names like Boomer, Fido, and Ninja are cute for animals but inappropriate for kids. You wouldn’t name your child “Whiskers,” so why consider “Boomer”?
- Overly Pretentious Literary References: While I appreciate literature and social justice, naming your child Atticus is pushing it. Other examples like Kerouac, Hermione, or Moby also fall flat.
- Names from Sci-Fi or Fantasy: Your daughter will not grow up to be a Khaleesi, nor should your son be a Lannister or a Peta. Names from Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter should be avoided entirely.
- Random Name Alterations with a “Y”: Adding a “y” to names like Kaytlynn or Addyson doesn’t make them special; it just complicates things. Your child will spend their life clarifying, “It’s Eryn with a ‘y’.”
- Overly Trendy “X” Names: Names like Xenon and Xeraphina are simply too much.
- Elven or Fairy-Inspired Names: Names like Pixie or Nixie are whimsical, but let’s be real—they’re not making your child feel special; they’re making you look ridiculous.
- Place Names You’ve Never Been: Parents naming their kids Dakota or Sierra without any connection to those places should reconsider their choices.
Ultimately, bestowing a strange name on a child is a long-term decision that they will have to live with. I’m not advocating for traditional names like Elizabeth or Christopher, but there are plenty of unique options that don’t cross into the realm of absurdity.
One day, we’ll find ourselves in nursing homes filled with the likes of Paisley, and we’ll have to thank those parents for their choices.
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In summary, while unique names can be beautiful, it’s essential to think about the implications of those choices. Aim for names that your children can carry with pride.