It’s a challenge to be the solitary mom who feels disconnected from conventional parenting circles.
I find myself in the role of the lonely mom. It’s not that I lack common ground with others; we share experiences. I have three children, aged 9, 7, and 5, who are navigating their own developmental milestones, with all the accompanying joys and frustrations. We both face laundry piles and messy bathrooms, likely share a love for coffee, and experience the seasonal annoyance of pollen. These shared struggles may get us through playdates, but they don’t foster true friendships.
All around me, I witness moms forming authentic connections. They laugh together, meet outside of scheduled gatherings, and enjoy Moms’ Nights Out. They have their inside jokes and cluster together at parks and events. But I find myself moving from one group to another, always on the periphery. No one is unkind; they’re genuinely lovely people. I appreciate them and often step in to help, yet I can’t shake the feeling of not belonging.
I simply don’t resonate with “mom culture.” It was never my thing, even before I had kids. I’ve never owned a pair of LuLaRoe leggings and generally prefer my eclectic T-shirt collection and jeans over the typical mom attire. I don’t carry the trendy bags that seem to be a staple in the playground crowd. I stand out, and not always in the way I desire.
When conversations turn to our children, I can engage for a bit, but I long for deeper discussions. I wish to talk about politics or global events, but whenever I attempt to steer the conversation that way, I’m met with uncomfortable silence. Music comes up, and I realize I can’t contribute much. I don’t listen to mainstream pop or country, and my interests diverge from the popular shows everyone discusses. Once, I tried to connect over Hamilton, thinking it was a safe choice. “Too bad you can’t listen to that with the kids,” one mom said, to which I replied, “Learning all the words made my kids obsessed with the American Revolution.” The room fell silent as I remembered the lyrical content and its appropriateness.
Television is another barrier; while others are glued to the latest hits, I’m engrossed in niche shows on Syfy that few have heard of. The conversations about trending films leave me out of the loop. I also don’t cook—my husband manages that aspect of our lives—so I miss out on those Instant Pot discussions as well.
I don’t engage in public complaints about my partner, further isolating me from typical mom conversations. I have peculiar interests that don’t seem to resonate with others, like grammar debates and quirky literature. When something funny happens, my instinct is to share it with a friend far away, like Jenna, who lives 700 miles from me. The digital friendships I maintain can heighten my feelings of isolation, as I often find myself scrolling through my phone to connect. As Jason Isbell aptly puts it in “Alabama Pines,” nobody seems to care about what I care about. (And yes, you probably haven’t heard of him.)
While my reasons for feeling lonely may differ from yours, many moms—whether they embrace “mom culture” or not—experience similar feelings of isolation. Our circumstances may vary, but the emotions remain constant.
As the lonely mom, I find myself worrying about many things. Top of mind is the fear that my kids will also feel isolated because their moms might not want to include us in playdates. I often question if there’s something inherently wrong with me. Why is it so difficult to cultivate friendships when it seems effortless for others? I get along well with people, and they are kind to me, yet I lack a close friend. I don’t have anyone to call when I need a hand, to share frustrations, or to confide in about life’s challenges. That sense of being truly understood is the most profound loneliness of all.
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Summary:
Being a lonely mom can feel isolating, especially when you struggle to connect with mainstream parenting culture. While common experiences unite moms, deeper connections often elude those who don’t quite fit in. It’s natural to worry about your children’s social experiences and question why friendship seems so challenging. Remember, many moms share these feelings, regardless of their interests or lifestyle choices.